we adopted

This is Sreemonta. I really want to adopt from India, and I think this is as close as we'll ever get (India wants you to prove infertility as an adoption requirement, and I'm not infertile.)

Compassion International had a table set up at ATF. There were probably 30 8 1/2 x 5 1/2" clear plastic envelopes with pictures of cute kids on them - how could I not stop and browse? Of course if you stop and look, it does a little tug on your heart (because that's what it's supposed to do). I stood there and thought to myself, "Alright, if there's one in India." There was ... one. I was sure if I'd asked for two there would have been two.

I did a little homework too, because I'm paranoid about "charities" that use pictures of cute kids to fund the organizer's lifestyles. Maybe "paranoid" is the wrong word: I'm aware that they exist and refuse to have any part in them. I've heard it said that if you give out of a kind, compassionate heart it doesn't matter what the organization does with the money, really, because you've done the best you can. Bull. With such wonderful resources as Charity Navigator it's my opinion that you are responsible for taking 10 minutes to find out what's happening with your finances.

But Compassion International checks out. For $32/month the kid gets an education, a balanced diet, medicine if needed, basic necessities like shoes, and (best of all) a Bible eductation. They work through local churches, so it's all done in the name of Jesus, not Compassion International. I dig it. I wrote our first letter to Sreemonta yesterday.

as i was saying

ATF was a good time. It definately sparked something in our youth, and I pray and pray that it continues to burn in them. It's easy to get excited with a couple thousand of your peers who agree with you, but its hard to maintain that day to day in public schools. I'm confident that same thing is on our youth pastor's heart, so we're working toward that end.

The best part about ATF - for me - was the encouragement I found in the Holy Spirit. I know this is where I'm supposed to be right now, and I have a divine new focus on it. That sounds like, "Oh good, it's good when the Lord encourages us that we're in the right place. Dum de dum." I tell you, though, it was (as the song puts it) like water to my soul - like I could suddenly breathe and I didn't realize I was suffocating. I can't explain the relief I've enjoyed these past days.

I'd been in such a turmoil about being really unhappy at my job, but it pays well so what do you do? I love the youth and I love the worship team, but I have an apartment a husband and a full-time job to look after too so that there isn't a moment I don't have three things to do so what do you do? In my desperation to spend some time with my Lord I have an expensive computer program I still don't know how to use and a sewing machine that's still in the box, so what do you do? I was a little overwhelmed and a lot lost, but He spoke to me last weekend and assured me that He wants me with the youth right now. It was like one of my godfather's bear hugs that wrap you up so completely and so tight that you feel like nothing bad can get to you there. "You're doing fine, and you're in the right ministry right now. I'll move you when I want you to move. I'd like to see you more often, and all these things will be added unto you. Relax." *sigh*

So my focus is Him and His kids. Yes I have to work at this job for a little while more because life causes bills, but He has a plan and I'll be out of here as soon as that plan allows. (In the meantime, if this is the plan its the best place I can be no matter how terrible it seems.) Yes there are other things I have to take care of at the same time, but now I can see that I do what I have to do so my priority can be loving Him and loving this ministry.

prepare your hearts

Voters Reject South Dakota Abortion Ban

In a ... setback for conservatives, South Dakota rejected a law that would have banned virtually all abortions ...

Nationwide, a total of 205 measures were on the ballots Tuesday in 37 states, but none had riveted political activists across the country like the South Dakota measure. Passed overwhelmingly by the legislature earlier this year, it would have been the toughest abortion law in the nation, allowing the procedure only to save a pregnant woman's life.

The whole story is here. I'll be checking Bound4Life all day too, waiting to hear from Lou. There's going to be hell to pay for this in the next few years. Pray, pray, pray.

Deuteronomy 9:13//You must purge from Israel the guilt of shedding innocent blood, so that it may go well with you.

Luke 11:23//He who is not with Me is against Me, and he who does not gather with Me scatters. (Jesus likes babies, by the way ... alive.)

I don't even have anything intelligent to write that I haven't already written once. I'm just dumbfounded. In an hour when our enemies are becoming more and more powerful, we are more and more foresaking the only One who can protect and keep us. And then when it happens America will turn and blame "god."

It is making the Bible more alive, though. Sometimes I read Exodus and wonder how Israel can constantly rebel and gripe against the Lord despite all His provision and mercy, but here we have it. I read Jeremiah and wonder how these kings constantly reject God's warning and mercy, but its right in front of me now. Sometimes I read through Revelation and other accounts of His return and wonder how in the world anyone will be able to hate Him to His glorious face, but I can see it starting already. Pray, pray, pray.

election day

... did you?

"Always vote for principle, though you may vote alone, and you may cherish the sweetest reflection that your vote is never lost." - John Quincy Adams

ammo

We took about 20 students from our youth ministry to the Aquire the Fire conference in Chicago last weekend. More about the event and our kids tomorrow, but here are some interesting things I learned:

//1 in 11 teenagers attempts suicide each year, and each year about 2000 succeed.

//40% of teenagers have experimented with self-mutilation.

//1 in 10 high school girls have been raped.

//By the time the average child graduates from high school, he/she will have watched 19,000 hours of TV including about 200,000 sexual acts and 1 million acts of violence.

//40% of "born again" teens believe Jesus sinned.

//90% of teenagers have been subject to pop-up porn while doing homework online.

//240,000 teenagers get pregnant in America each year, and 1/3 of those preganacies end in abortion.

Why? Because sex sells. This generation of teenagers is the largest our nation has ever seen, and they have more disposable income than any that has gone before. They're looking for an identity and a purpose (like every other teenager in the world), and MTV made $1 billion dollars last year selling them an identity that's easy to conform to.

More importantly, because the church is not providing an alternative. Most churches don't really value their youth ministries at all (not at CITW, though!); we had a room full of over 100 youth pastors and leaders, and the vast, vast majority of them are working on a 100% volunteer basis. Most youth ministries are completely under-funded. Most Sunday morning services are boring, and completely unapplicable to teenage lives. There's no passion in the church, and I know of my own peers (the now 20-somethings) that if it wasn't worth dying for we weren't really interested.

Are we living examples of the adventure it is to live a true Christian lifestyle? Are we passionate enough about our King to inspire that passion in people who are literally dying for something to be passionate about? If not, we don't really have any right to complain 20 years down the road when America starts to look a lot like Europe is looking.

state of us

Timothy left this morning to experience Reinhard Bonnke at Word of Life Church's 25th anniversary in St. Joseph, Missouri. He's driving (it's almost nine hours) with his twin brother, Joe, whom he has never really had a relationship with. I'm excited - he's excited too - and praying that 18 hours of driving (with no CD player in the car) will be a time of healing and restoration for both of them.

And for me I'm just praying for time. I think I spent less than an hour alone with my Lord yesterday, and that kills me. I know there are bigger and better things for me than what I am currently experiencing, and deeper caverns of His heart that I can be familiar with. I'm sure there is more for me to do and be and understand, and I just hope I'm not behind. I don't want to be late and I don't want to miss anything, but it seems impossible right now: 45 hour work week, two worship teams, an apartment and husband to take care of ... I can do all things through Christ, right? Maybe I can just quit sleeping.

youth on the move

I read this yesterday on the Battle Cry website, and smiled. This was a youth group in Florida:

As Caite tells the story:

One person at a time we went into Victoria Secret, saying "Hey! These posters really offend us. Can you please take them down?"

Of course their first reaction was, "No!! Get out of our store."

But we did not give up! After the 30th person went in there, they were getting kind of angry. You could see their faces change as they stood there.

So we all prayed hardcore! Asking God to give us strength as we went in there all together. After praying, all 30 of us went into Victoria Secret and we said "These posters offend all of us! Please take them down!"

Then all of a sudden there was a sense of peace in the room.

THEY TOOK DOWN THE POSTERS!!

It's good to know that there are teenagers out there willing to take a stand even if the world thinks its silly.

what if?

For starters it goes without saying that America is in a period of grace right now. Like Israel in Jeremiah's day, we're flourishing, but judgement is around the corner. Of course, ask Jeremiah, no one wants to hear about judgement in a time of prosperity. With the stock market at an all-time high and gas prices plummeting, it's easy for false prophets to stand in the streets (or on campaign platforms) and cry out, "Peace, peace!" But we know that this nation has turned away from the Lord, who is a righteous judge, and so the interim that we're in can only be His mercy giving us time to repent and turn back to Him.

Lou Engle, of The Cause USA, hosted a live "prayer cast" last Saturday. He talked to a dozen pretty established prophetic voices in our country (Mike Bickle, Bob Jones, James Goll, Rick Joyner, etc.) about the state of the nation and what the Lord has put on their hearts. Pretty amazing. (It was recorded - hooray! - and you can listen here.) Bob Jones is a man I respect very much (he's predicted - by the Spirit of God - everything from snow and comets to the fall of the Berlin wall and Bush/Quail), and he mentioned this grace period that we're in. Then he said he expects it to end in about two years. Yike.

Then I remembered Josiah, and how he ruled a nation according to God's will. I realize President Bush doesn't quite match up to Josiah, but I think Bush was raised up as a Christian man who did a job that not many presidents would have done in the face of such opposition. Let's not forget Jesus has this all figured out. The Lord told Josiah that he could not pardon all the innocent blood shed in the land by previous kings, but that he would not judge the nation during Josiah's reign.

So Bob thinks the window of opportunity to return to the Lord with all our hearts is going to end in about two years. I think that so many ignorant American voters are angry with President Bush (mostly because the media tells them to be) that the next Democratic presidential candidate is going to have their favor simply because he belongs to the opposite political party. Perhaps judgement is again merely waiting for His servant's reign to end.

why heaven?

I'm finishing up The Life and Diary of David Brainerd; right now he's 29 years old and ready to die of tuberculosis at any moment.

Brainerd is not a name a lot of people know. He lived during the 18th century, and very quietly carried out his mandate to bring the gospel to the Native American people in and around New England. It's been an interesting journey of laying down a list of good works before the throne of grace, getting commissioned, and absolutely laboring in the spirit for these people. Once he got a breakthrough, though, the man got a breakthrough. Day after day, and week after week of uninterested people finally gives way to a journal entry that describes what must have been an amazing presence and conviction of the Holy Spirit while Brainerd talked about the love of God. A simple message causes this holy travail because the man's life was saturated with prayer. He carried on for several years with a congregation of a few hundred (mostly) Native Americans, and preached an annointed Word the whole time.

Anyway, being that it's a journal and that Brainerd spent all his time preaching or praying, there's not a lot of reflection in it - it's just a day to day account of what happens. These last 80 pages or so, he can hardly get out of bed, so he has more time to write. He's looking forward to a physical death at this point because he feels useless being alive and unable to preach, and he made a comment that caused me to pause. I don't have the book with me, or I'd give you the old English quote direct, but it communicated that he is looking forward to heaven so he can finally worship the Lord perfectly. Wow.

So often I think of heaven as the escape, the reward, the retirement, the rest I don't get on earth, the great place where we're happy and comfy and in God's presence all the time and yes, worship will be good ... But here is a man so in love with Jesus that he looks forward to heaven so he can finally worship without all the junk and distraction of this world. I want a heart like that.

no compromise

The message that I think the Lord is trying to move deep into my spirit in this season is "no compromise." It's everywhere I go - subtly sometimes, but that's how He is - and it's working ... and I'm trying really hard to let it work, because my flesh really likes little compromises.

A couple weeks ago Pastor talked about Agag, and the things the Lord asks of us that we 98% do. When he tells us to "utterly destroy" something - in Saul's case, and we destroy most of it.

I just finished 2 Kings, and by the time I got to Josiah I was so stinkin' relieved to finally find someone who "did what was right in the sight of the Lord." It's exhausting to flip through page after page of wicked kings; I was disgusted at compromise without anyone preaching it to me. The interesting thing about Josiah is that even though he turned to the Lord with all his heart and soul, and did not compromise any of the high places, etc., God still judged that land (after Josiah's death) because of the sins of previous kings. 2 Kings 24:4 actually says that it was in part because of the innocent blood shed that the Lord "would not pardon."

Last night Jeff spoke at our midweek service (as Pastor is still asisting in revival in Nepal). He talked about sacrifice and building an alter via Abraham and Issac. Jeff pointed out that God told Abraham to offer Issac ("Issac" means "laughter," so God was literally asking Abraham to offer up his joy) as a burnt offering, and what I did not know was that the burnt offering was the one kind of offering (of five) that consumed everything. The other offerings left a little grain, or a little meat, for the priests' provision, but a burnt offering consumes everything.

It's taking hold of me. Just yesterday I overheard a conversation in the office (it's a tiny office) about someone not readily accepting a new family member because of her occult background. A comment that was made was, "I think I'm pretty religious, but you have to be open to other things." I didn't say anything because I hesitated too long trying to decide if the best response would be a passionate (read: angry), "Why?!" or a sarcastic, "You say that like it's a contradiction. Most people who are bound by religion are open to all kinds of things."

I get the feeling I'm not becoming a girl that people are going to enjoy (until they need Jesus to heal them or save them or something). I hope, anyway. Because Jesus was a nice guy (ultimately), but a lot of people didn't like Him because He refused to compromise. Paul was a nice guy that people didn't like. David embarassed his wife dancing before the Ark of the Covenant, and on it goes. Who's coming with me?

the end

"And you will hear of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not troubled; for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet." Matthew 24:6

Pastor Appreciation

October is Pastor Appreciation Month. Did you know that? Do you appreciate your pastor? Do you have a pastor? If not, I'll share mine with you; I got a good one. (And I can post this now because he's in Nepal and likely will never read it. Ha ha.)

You don't really appreciate a good pastor unless you've had a bad one. I've had a bad one, so if it seems like a blasphemous thing to say - trust me, they're out there (the Lord addresses them specifically in Ezekiel 34). It's hard, after having an "irresponsible shepherd" to trust another Pastor, so believe you me, I was skeptical at first. It's been about two years now, and he's good. Let me count the ways:


1. I appreciate his heart for his work. He could just as easily subscribe to a service that would generate sermons for him, show up during office hours and Sunday mornings, and say whatever statistics show will grow a church. He doesn't do that, though. He searches out the word that the Lord would have him speak; he's there on Saturday nights praying for the service the next morning. I've heard him say things from the platform that made me think, "Well, church attendance will be down next week," just because it was the right thing to say.

2. I appreciate that he doesn't make excuses or offer false appologies for his decisions. He does what he feels he needs to do with or without the approval of men.

3. I appreciate that he lets other people use and develop the gifts God has put inside of them. He does not micro-manage the affairs of the church, and he's not intimidated by guest speakers.

4. I appreciate that he's not an old wineskin, which goes right along with, "I appreciate his modeling of obedience." He changes with the Spirit. If the room that was set aside to be the bookstore becomes the prayer room, then it becomes the prayer room. If he's called to Nepal but doesn't really want to go, then he goes to Nepal.

5. I appreciate the council - that he gathers church leaders around himself to set up a mini checks and balances system, so that he can't even sign a church check alone.

6. I appreciate his counselling method. He's there to talk to you, advise you, help you out ... but if you refuse to work through a situation and really just want a shoulder to cry on, he's not having it. I kinda cried at him over the phone one late evening, and he does very well.

7. I appreciate his family. Tami's just a doll and so much fun and a great worship leader and good counsel. Liam is a sweetie who can make you feel like the coolest person on earth. Sean is too cute; I recently discovered that if I'm having a bad day I can call Seany (i.e. Tami b/c Seany is three, I think) and feel a thousand times better hearing, "You my buddy Miss Wex." And Naimh is just precious - even screaming or belching.

So Happy Pastor Appreciation Month!

Jesus is my morphine

I picked up the guys for Switch on Friday and we were talking about church and youth group on the way to Elgin.

One of them mentioned - without naming - a kid he knows who was pretty heavily involved in drugs until he started coming to youth. This kid started to clean himself up, and then quit coming to youth group meetings, and went back to the drugs.

I can categorically say, from years of personal experience, that no drug can provide the purpose, finances, escape, self-worth, euphoria, or reason that Jesus does. I know that, but its hard to tell people that. If you've never been in His tangible presence, you read the beginning of this paragraph and shake it off in disbelief. You have to meet Him to believe it; there has to be an encounter.

So what happened with the afore-mentioned kid? In the few weeks or months that he was coming to youth group, he did not encounter Christ (but then again, maybe he did and later chose to ignore Him). They say if your faith is not in Jesus by the time you're 18 it usually takes a dramatic encounter with the living God to get you there.

The point is I've been thinking about this mystery kid for three days. I don't know what happened, and I'm not beating myself or our youth ministry up - because our youth ministry is amazing and we're seeing the fruit of it every week. It just makes you wonder: Am I not in prayer enough for these kids? Did I do everything I could to engage that one while I had the chance? Because really, all I can do is reflect Christ and get the kids to a position where they can see Him themselves - but am I doing that? Am I praying enough? Is there something else in my life that would hinder the work of the Holy Spirit during youth services?

Lord, I ask for a fresh burden for the young people in McHenry County. Draw me into intercession on their behalves; annoint me to do the work You've called me to do. If there is something further I need to correct in myself, show me, Holy Spirit, what that is. Raise up a generation of young people in America who will lay down their lives every day for Your Name. Raise up a battle cry in the hearts of youth leaders all over this country to fight for their little brothers and sisters. In Jesus' Name ...

messy, weird, violent, passionate love

I got to speak at midweek service last night. That was fun. I like talking about Jesus, especially when He shows up and assists.

I was a little intimidated initially because it was Wednesday night - and you know the people who go to meetings mid-week are usually a little deeper in the things of God than your average Sunday morning crowd. I told my husband earlier in the week that I'd be way more comfortable talking on a Sunday morning than a Wednesday night, but wasn't really worried about it. It seemed Holy Spirit was ministering to some people, so it was a success as I'm concerned. He ministered to me for sure, I heard my voice start to wobble a couple times as I got overwhelmed at what I was speaking about. Sweet.

He is wonderfully, violently passionate for your (comparatively) weak, little soul!

looking forward to the inevitable...

... because you might as well.

What I like about autumn:

1. Leaves - obviously, everyone likes that about autumn. Especially people who live in apartments and don't have to rake leaves.

2. Hot apple cider. Best beverage ever - mark my words.

3. Pulling out sweaters for the first time in a while. By winter I wish I was in t-shirts again, but at least for fall sweaters are still nice. This goes for gloves, hats, scarves, etc.

4. Thanksgiving. Turkey and naps and pumpkin pie. Mm hmm.


5. Mums. I'd rake leaves if it meant I had a yard for mums, but I enjoy everyone else's.

6. Getting an extra hour of sleep for Daylight Savings Time.

7. Soup! Ya, you can have soup in spring and summer, but its really much better in autumn. Panera Bread makes a fabulous black bean soup. I need to learn how to make soup this fall.

8. Trail of History. Its this event that goes down at Glacier Park north of McHenry, and its just really cool. Timothy doesn't care for it, but he takes me anyway. My favorite vendors are the people who make rootbeer and the people who make fresh kettle corn.

9. Bugs die. Stupid misquitoes.


10. Harvest. Come fall everyone with a garden has a kitchen counter full of yummy tomatoes and carrots and zucchini. Its nice to go out and reap the fruits of your labors, and I like the slow process of harvesting seeds for next year, freezing/canning the extra ... Apple orchards are fun too (see #2 above). I like to think that the Lord plans accordingly for the season as well - its been my expereince that He gets a kick out of things like that. This year especially I'm choosing to believe it because there are a few other things I'd like to harvest soon.

Did I forget anything?

weak and foolish

Can I just say: I love my Bible. I really do. I've been an avid reader since I could read well enough to do it in an "avid" fashion, and a book that you can read a thousand times over and never get bored with is just a great investment.

I was reading about my buddy Jesus last night and he told this guy that the greatest commandment is to, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind" (Matthew 26:37). I thought the last one was "strength."

So I flipped way back to Deuteronomy 6, and sure enough, verse 5 says, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength." Hmm. Certainly Jesus did not, "Err, not knowing the scriptures," so what's the deal?

Confident that Jesus did not misquote Deuteronomy, I assume that in this context, "strength" and "mind" must be interchangable. I think this is especially true considering the audiences. In Deut, the Lord is talking to a people who were laborers in Egypt, nomads for forty years, and who are about to take over the land they were promised. They're lay-people. In Matthew, the Lord is talking to a lawyer; like most of us today, his strength was his mind.

When you love the Lord your God with all your heart, you have nothing left of your heart to give to other lusts or to guard within yourself. You trust Him with it completely, and when it starts to lie to you, you turn it over to Him to take care of. When you love the Lord your God with all your soul, you have nothing left of your will or emotions to give to other lusts or to guard within yourself. You forefeit them completely, and when they start to argue with Him you default to His will and His emotions.

When you love the Lord your God with all your strength, you can't even stand without leaning on Him. You voluntarily become weak according to the flesh. When you love the Lord your God with all your mind, you can't think about anything without thinking of Him, you don't think on things that aren't pleasing to Him, you try to think the way He does instead of the way thew world does. You don't seek revenge, don't live "survival of the fittest" or "every man for himself;" you exhibit mercy and love. You voluntarily become weak according to the world. The Romans wanted a strong king, the Greeks wanted a wise king ...

revival

Allow me, if you will, to just kind of stream-of-conciousness/brain-dump on the topic. Half of the worship team went out last night after practice for a family platter (anything and everything you could ever think to bread and deep-fry), and we got onto revival and the tension that's mounting in our church body.

There's definately a tension mounting. It starts with the leadership, right? I know the leadership is feeling it, and as much as I am a sub-leader at CITW there's a buzz in my spirit as well. It's exciting, but at the same time we think, "Am I ready?" Is it possible to be ready, though? No revival is ever like the one before; there's no way we could know exactly what to expect, so could we really prepare? Basic things yes: be prepared to recognize and remove "wild fire" while allowing Holy Spirit "fire" to burn, and keeping focus on Him rather than, say, the landscaping should circumstances pit the two against one another.

I heard someone speak a while ago about readying (word? who knows?) oneself in prayer, fasting, worship, etc. - but in doing it not unto revival, but unto His return. That gets me thinking about revival. Do we want a revival in the church to kind of strengthen and encourage us for a couple years before we go back to the way it was before? Or do we want to raise up the body of Christ to be prepared for His coming? When He comes back, and we're brought before Him, do we want to say, "Look, Lord, we had a great revival - the longest revival in modern history - that just ended two years ago!" or do we want to show Him that we're sustaining it, working with His Spirit with a fresh enthusiasm every day? Is revival an end or a means to an end?

One of the guys made a comment about revivals dying out because in the midst of revival, people stop doing what they did to get revival. We pray and seek God and press in during worship times and ask the Lord for revival. Then, when it hits it seems people get so excited they just ride it out instead of fuel it and ... gone.

I know another leader who suspects that revival tarries because too many people have already decided what it looks like. Too many people have studied history or come up with their own ideas, and they aren't necessarily real open to accepting a revival that doesn't start out the way they think it should. Hmm.

Thoughts?

Not in Kansas ...

Do you ever just stop sometimes and look around and think, "Cool ... wait, when did I get here?"

I just adore the way God works. We ask for things - we ask Him to do things in us, proceed to whine about it because we think He's not doing it, and then one day its just done and we think, "Man, I didn't see that coming."

So often I think we go through life just doing life with our eyes locked ahead of us. We live like we drive (unless you drive like my husband, because I swear he looks out the side windows more than he does the windsheild): drop our eyes to the pavement just beneath us every so often to make sure there's no new obstical, scan the sides of the road anticipating some small animal or child less aware of its surroundings, and mostly stare straight ahead until something forces us to stop.

I stopped yesterday when I saw something good, and it got my attention in such a way that I looked around (and within) for a minute and thought, "Cool ... wait, when did I get here?"

1. My heart has expanded. It's true that you will not be tested beyond your ability, but He will test you right up to that point. Tuesday night I thought that point had come, but half-way into it discovered I was a full eigth-inch within the boundaries of "my ability." I think sometimes we underestimate our ability (especially in Christ), and blame God.

2. Jesus is real. For two years this doubt would creep up on me in the most insignificant moments. If I was believing or praying for something big, my faith was full and I was good. If I was in the middle of normal Sunday morning worship, this voice would break in, "What if it's all a lie?" It was never a huge struggle to shut it up, but lately during prayer and worship ... I don't know how to describe it, He's just real. As real as I am to me.

3. Prayer affects me. Twice in two days I've had people pray for me and it's hit me like a club. Sometimes we go through really stressful or really hopeless times and people pray things like, "Holy Spirit, comfort her ... be her strength ... fill her with Your joy ..." We think, "Ya, that's nice," but five minutes later we feel the same, and the person who prayed doesn't expect it to really happen because they open their eyes and give you this sympathetic, puppy-dog face. It's really been happening though, and it's awesome.

So rest assured, He's working. If it doesn't seem like He is, be excited because soon you'll look around and wonder how on earth you got where you are - and He'll get all the glory.

just jump

Tim and Marianne came along to Sunday dinner at my parents' last night. We were all sitting around talking, and my dad loves to tell about his children being fearless from a young age.

My dad used to entertain my brother and I by throwing us into the air. I don't mean tossing us up a few inches from his fingertips - I mean feet above his head. Last night he compared it to the height of a basketball hoop, and I have vauge memories of watching him drop his arms as he waited for gravity to kick in and pull me back down. When I was a toddler I would shout, "Daddy, throw me," and run at him.

My little brother lived Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The house we were in when Zack was three or four had two levels - the living room was the upper level and the front door was below, but the living room ended in a balcony looking down on the foyer. When Dad came home from work, Zack would lie in wait (wearing an orange ninja mask and armed with whatever weapon he favored that day) and throw himself over the balcony at Dad ... who never failed to drop what he was carrying to catch his son.

It wasn't that we were brave - I don't know if five-year-olds can really be brave. Brave implies that you are aware of the worst that could happen as a result of your action and you act anyway. My brother and I were never really aware that we might fall from 10 feet onto a concrete sidewalk. We weren't brave - we trusted our father completely and simply had no concept that he might not catch us one time.

As my dad was recounting these stories to a captive audience I couldn't help but feel the yearning in God's heart to have that kind of relationship with his own children. I couldn't ignore that Jealousy that kept telling me, "If you'll just run and jump - throw yourself - at Me, how could I let you fall? I long for you to trust Me that way, to shrug off that absurd, nagging thought that My arms might not be there." I argued at first that it would be different now because I'm older and I do understand that there's a concrete sidewalk beneath us; now it wouldn't be innocence, it would have to be bravery. "No," He said, "just have faith like a child (Matthew 18:3) and destroy within you the concept that I might not catch you one time."

from death to life

Today's the day the Supreme Court has to decide if it will hear the Doe vs. Bolton case. Ya, I didn't know what that was either. The following is from Bound4Life (see the link to the right):

Doe v Bolton is the companion case to Roe v Wade. It was decided on the same day as Roe, and it's what made abortion-on-demand legal and removed the trimester limitations of Roe, making it possible for a baby to be legally killed right up to the day it is born.

The "Doe" in this case is a lady named Sandra Cano. She never had, nor ever wanted, an abortion and has been fighting for years to have her case overturned.

This case is not as famous as Roe v Wade. We didn't even really know about it. Then, two years ago, an intercessor had a dream. She dreamt that we were all standing in front of the Supreme Court with LIFE tape on. Then a woman came out of the court crying. She said to us, "Please be standing when my case comes before the Court." This woman was Sandra Cano.

You can read Sandra Cano's entire testimony here.

Keep the Supreme Court in your prayers - and continue praying for the voters of South Dakota: abortion is on the ballot this November. If South Dakota decides to stand with God, we could see the end of legalized infanticide in America! Pray, pray, pray. Then get to the Bound4Life website and sign up for email alerts - I've been checking every mainline "news" channel (on-line) that I can think of, and no one is covering this. Nothing. The only information or updates I get - in fact the only reason I'm even aware that the legality of abortion is being seriously challenged - is because of Bound4Life's emails.

pride

Pride is a killer. And it's sneaky. Pride is a sniper.

I was talking to God recently, and He was explaining the way pride gets in a heart and then masks itself as a dozen other things that somehow seem less threatening. We can deal with all the little things, or we can deal with our pride and knock it out. Funny thing about pride is that we don't like to admit - to ourselves or others - that we struggle with pride ... because it hurts our pride to do so.

He went through a half-dozen other things, and explained how it all goes back to pride. A victim mentality, for example, is Pride telling us someone wronged us - whereas a humble heart would say, "I'm that person's servant, he couldn't possibly have wronged me." Pride keeps us from loving our neighbors as ourselves because it tells us that our neighbors' wrongs are worse than our own. Pride keeps our passion for God on low because it tells us we can do the task we're appointed to do without Him - or that we know the person preaching and couldn't possibly get anything out of the message. Pride leads us into temptation because we think we can handle it, or into false humility when it convinces us that pride has never been an issue in our lives. Pride ensnares us in a fear of man, and will disguise itself as an inability to really worship because we don't want to look silly.

Then He compared it to dental work, and I'm not sure why. All the little things are cavities - you scrape it clean and patch it up with good stuff. A Holy Spirit filling. Pride requires a root canal. To deal with pride you have to dig down to the nerve and kill it. You have to clean it all out, and when you're done there's a much bigger hole to fill in. You need a lot more prayer and a lot more Word to fill it up. Maybe it's because I've had a root canal in the natural, and I can relate.

knight of faith?

I finished Jungle Pilot last night, which I obtained for free through Mission Aviation Fellowship. It's about the life of Nate Saint (whom you may be familiar with via the novel Through the Gates of Splendor, or the recent movie End of the Spear). Unlike many of the other bits about the life of Nate Saint, Jungle Pilot is a real autobiography in that it tells of his life since childhood, and does not give a very detailed account of Nate's martyrdom, since detail has been adequately given elsewhere.

The part that struck me was the wives at the end. The book gives more than I expected about the waiting they endured - it actually took weeks to confirm that the men had not been kidnapped, and they had not escaped, as any wife would silently hope despite all odds. The women still performed their missionary and motherly duties - multiplied because they were now housing and caring for dozens of men from search teams and various government bodies. The night they found out for sure the wives were all together, and concluded the evening with a solo voice accompanied by piano hymn. The military men in the room were moved, and one commented that he didn't understand how these women were so strong and so confident.

Today I listened to a sermon by Brian Zahnd called Knights of Faith. How one becomes a knight, what it's like to live by faith, etc. I think a lot of times we listen to those kinds of sermons and always put ourselves on the right side, because we know which side is the right side. Today I wondered. I think I'm still a page.

I'm feeling pressed. I'm feeling this question take hold of my spirit, "Will you live by faith for real? All the way? Even when it's not comfortable anymore, even when you're in the middle of a jungle and no one is around to admire your faith?" I don't know how to answer. I know how I want to answer, but can I?

happy anniversary

Yesterday was our very first wedding anniversary. It doesn't seem like it's been a year already. A whole year and I still can't get him to throw his dirty socks in the hamper instead of on the living room floor.

We celebrated Saturday night by waiting over an hour for a table at a nice Italian place. Someone was having homecoming, and every place was packed out. Yesterday we stopped by Veteran's Acres - the park were we got married - and walked down to the little cove of oak trees where the ceremony took place a year ago. The weather was just the same - warm with not a cloud in the sky. We hugged for a while and I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit there with us. Timothy kissed me the way he did the first time, and I got excited for what another year would bring us. So many people told us that day that the first year's the hardest, so don't freak out. If the first year is the hardest we've got this thing made, because the first year was wonderful.

Then, at 11:45pm my phone vibrated on the bedside table and there was Naimh (nee'-ve) Hoban! All seven pounds, 12 ounces of her! Welcome to the world, girl, you picked a great day to join us!

life without limbs

I learned about a guy named Nick Vujicic this morning. Nick is a young man from Austrailia who was born with no limbs.

Not that something as trivial as having no limbs has stopped him. Nick has dedicated his life to the Lord, and is currently a motivational, Christian speaker who travels all over the world. He is also writing or has just finished a book titled, No Arms, No Legs, No Worries.

On his website he writes,

Sometimes our pain, suffering, anxiety and depression seem so much more real than the promises of God. I share how God turned my life around from a life without limbs to a LIFE WITHOUT LIMITS! God is using me in a mighty way to challenge people to claim the promise of that future and hope. As Proverbs 3:5 says to trust the Lord with all you heart without understanding the circumstances in your life. God is a good God not because of your circumstances, but because God is Faithful and will not leave you!

I love that he has not fallen victim to that lie that would call his condition a punishment for someone's sin, or the act of a mean and angry God that you just have to love anyway.

This is a little more about Nick.



And suddenly all the little stumbling blocks I've ever come up against seem like pebbles.

fasting

I think I'm starting to get fasting. I understood it before - I could outline the benefits and give you scripture verses about the need to fast, how to fast, etc. It was still a burden though. I did it becuase I knew it was good for me, and I was pretty sure I'd get it one day, but it sucked - to put it bluntly. I really like food; I tend to eat when I'm bored - fasting does not come naturally to me.

Then I would read things like 2 Corinthians 9:7: "...for God loves a cheerful giver." I know it's talking primarily about finances, but as Christians we give far more than money and I just knew it applied to fasting as well. I would pray and pray - how does one happily give up food? I could fake it, but didn't believe that really counted. How does one respond to the caving of ones stomach with, "Yes! I love that!"??

I got it yesterday - out of no where ... perhaps just a gift for being relatively faithful in the task. I don't know how it happened, but every time temptation presented itself I had this strange attitude that kind of laughed it off with an, "Are you kidding? I'm fasting! I'm drawing close to my Lord and Lover of my soul, and you'd get in the way!" It's cool.

pray for pope

Again, I love Muslims - lovely people, really. I like peace, and believe with my whole heart in freedom of religion. Truth does have commentary on each of these topics, though:

1. Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." (John 14:6)

2. But when you hear of wars and rumors of wars, do not be troubled; for such things must happen, but the end is not yet. (Mark 13:7)

3. ...that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Phillipians 2:10-11)

I was reading another inspiring story about pope yesterday and the following struck me,

Benedict touched on religion and violence, saying Christians and Muslims “must learn to work together ... to guard against all forms of intolerance and to oppose all manifestations of violence.”

Now, of course, I'm not promoting religious violence, but my first thought was this sarcastic picture of pope and the radical Islamic population standing together to guard the world from Jesus when He returns. Ha. It's funny, but it's not.

Because really, by definition, Jesus can be pretty intolerant. Look at the way he talked to the Pharisees - not very respectful, and I do seem to recall something about his destroying a market that was set up in His Father's house - sounds like their religious convictions were not the same as His. Read through Isaiah - God is constantly telling him, "I alone am God and besides Me there is no other." Doesn't sound very tolerant to me. He's merciful, which is not the same thing, and He's the righteous judge.

Let's not forget, also, He is coming back to first wage war on His enemies. Isaiah 63 is very vivid in that regard.

Again, I'm not promoting violence, because only Jesus is qualified to judge. I am however, encouraging you to get your heart in the right place, make sure you're on the right side before it's too late, and generally: brace yourself, because clearly the church is not ready.

mom

Timothy and I have dinner with my parents on Sunday nights (and do laundry), and it's time I value. This past Sunday something came up that might have taken us away, but for whatever reason we decided to pass and do dinner as usual.

It was a normal Sunday evening at mom and dad's - dinner and sitting around. At one point, mom made a comment about how nice it would be to get one night's sleep. I pressed the point a bit and she told us her neck and shoulders have been bothering her, and once she wakes up she lays awake thinking/worrying. She didn't say what she worries about, but the woman has this uncanny ability to worry about anything. Immediately I heard Holy Spirit, "Pray over her." I responded, "I will."

Something about my parents inspires this uncharacteristic timidity in me. I don't know what it is, but I've always been very non-confrontational toward them. Although lately I've been much, much better.

For the remaining hour of the evening Holy Spirit would remind me, "You are going to pray, right?" "Don't forget to pray before you leave." I actually answered out loud while I was alone in the basement, pulling laundry out of the dryer, "Yes! I will pray."

So as we discussed getting off the couches to go - and mom to go to bed - I turned to her, "Mom, can we pray with you before we go - for the shoulder and the not sleeping?" She laughed uncomfortably and consented, and Timothy echoed, "Ya, I really felt to pray with you too." We each laid a hand on her shoulders; prayed very simply for healing, sleep, and peace of mind; and gave hugs. She made a comment about us having "hot little hands" (which is funny because I was freezing) that I think she knew meant more than body heat.

Hallelujah that He gives us the words to speak in that hour. In retrospect, I realized I said, "pray for you," not "over you," which might have been oddly authoritative for mom. I was also acutely aware that I should not pray in tongues, though it's my natural reaction to do so - for mom it would have been very uncomfortable and no one should be uncomfortable if she's being prayed over.

On the way home, Timothy told me he'd felt the clear conviction to pray the same time I did, and that he did feel a heat moving through his hand. Awesome. I believe with all my heart she woke up rested and well this morning - anyway it's Jesus' name on the line, not mine!

evil and inhumane

Stop! Everybody just stop. This is stupid. Pope makes a comment about Muhammad's teachings being "evil and inhumane," and now Muslim's all over the world are waging a war on the west and other "worshippers of the cross?" Excuse me, now? This war is just beginning now? Give me a break. (If you're nodding a blank visage right now, check out the Honest Reporting link to the right, or go here.)

I know I'm just a kafir with a limited knowledge of Islam, but can I make two small observations here (besides the above)?

1. Why do I not hear a Muslim voice denying Muhammad's command to "spread by the sword the faith?" My primitive, western mind translates that, "intimidate by threat of death in order to convert people to Islam." To me, that's evil and inhumane, but all I'm hearing is "I'm offended," not "That's not true."

2. Why is it that every time the Muslim world is insulted by unreasonable claims regarding the violent nature of Islam, the loudest response is a group of fundamental Islamists rioting, bombing and declaring war? I mean if I'm mad because someone thinks I'm voilent - and I'm really not - do I punch that person in the face to prove him wrong?

I love Muslims, and I know there are many, many, many who are peaceful and against jihad - but where are you?

The thing that really gets me is today's headline: Pope Expresses 'Deep Respect' for Islam? The man's totally back-peddaling and it's weak sauce. It is possible to respect Muslim people without respecting Islam. And then he makes the comment that now he's looking for, "positive, even self-critical dialogue both among religions and between modern reason and Christian faith." Dialogue between modern reason and Christian faith? What does that even mean?

I'd like to dialogue with all the peace-loving Muslims out there - we can have tea and talk about the woes of being misrepresented to the world.

skee ball and bad pizza

Last night we celebrated my birthday (again) with a few friends at Chuck E Cheese: pizza and skee ball - what else do you need to turn 23?

Bianca went way over board. She brought balloons and streamers, which she immediately began decorating the table with, as well as a german chocolate up-side-down cake. Tim and Marianne brought a tiara.

Chuck E Cheese pizza has come a long way, but not long enough that my tummy wasn't a bit angry with me this morning (nothing a little prayer and repentence can't move along). I think the pizza sauce had more sugar in it than the cake.

We spent a few hours eating poorly and everyone spent $5 on skee ball and photo machines and random video games. Little Goldilocks (Bella) came with as well, and entertained us when the flashing lights and loud music failed. All in all a successful evening.

forming a youth brigade

Friday nights are my favorites. It's awesome to see the Lord working in the hearts, minds and lives of the teenagers who come out for our youth meetings. India was cool, but the Lord is using us in greater ways on Friday nights in Elgin, Illinois. Signs and wonders like we saw this summer only advertise, only confirm the fact of the gospel message, but the encounter that takes place at the end of every week is the truth of Jesus Christ being written on young hearts.

It's exciting to see it happening so early in their lives. I wasted my teenage years, but these kids are already starting to get a hold of what's True. If they only cultivate the courage to stick with Him, they're going to do serious damage to satan's domain.

We had another great service this past Friday with a message on renewing the mind. A lot of kids came forward for prayer toward the end of the evening, many in tears, and I'm confident that many now live in a new level of freedom. Freedom from the things the world pushes at them and on them day after day after day. I think it's easy for adults to trivialize the social pressure that a lot of teenagers are under because we think we see more clearly now that we're older and we've experienced some of the "real" world. I think it's easier the older one gets, because the older one gets the less of a target she becomes for the kingdom of media.

These kids have my heart and I wish there was more I could do or pray or sing to help them get it, to make sure it sticks, to encourage them to go deeper ... but I don't have to, I guess, because as long as we pray, He will.

smiles

My buddy, Michael, went to Wisconsin last weekend for an anniversary/reunion thing. Last night he was talking a bit about people he hadn't seen in a while, etc. and mentioned someone's new baby.

The boy is - I think - six months old. Michael was telling us that this kid would smile really big when you looked at him, and then if you looked away his countenance kind of fell a bit. (It was great b/c Michael was re-enacting the six-month-old facial expressions as best he could.) He said it was amazing, and he didn't believe the kid was doing it at first so he'd look at him and look away and look at him and look away.

I was thinking about that story on the way to work this morning, and the thought came to my mind: how much more does our Father smile when we turn our faces toward Him? And when we turn away, how much more does He wait for us to look His way again? I got the impression, from Michael's story, that there wasn't one time when he looked at this baby and the baby didn't smile - how much more is our Abba always happy to see our eyes on Him?

On a side note, this was on Brian's blog the other day and I love it:

tick ... tock ... tick ... tock ...

Today's my birthday. I'm 23. I'm 23 and I feel like I'm falling behind. I feel like there are bigger, better things that should be evidenced in my life right now that are not. I feel like I should know the Lord better - I should recognize His voice in a crowd; I should be more confident in my position beneath His blood.

Jacob came home for a visit from IHOP KC not too very long ago and we sat in Eileen's kitchen for hours talking about the things of the Lord. He told me of a young woman he knows who disappeared - withdrawn in prayer - for days, finally emerging as though from a war. She said Jesus met her in her room a few night prior (with some symbolically significant things in His hands, I don't remember what) and told her she's late. Late! I don't want my encounter with the risen Christ to be out of the necessity that He motivate me like that!

I feel like He already is though, and I'm running out of time to make up. I need to "seek the Lord while He may be found" (Isaiah 55:6), because the charge itself implies that there is a time when He may not be found! I know the time is nearly upon us when even, if possible, the elect will be decieved (Mark 21:22)! If even the elect, how much more me? If even the elect, what's one hour a day to be in His presence?! It's nothing ... it's a lunch break. I spend about as much time with Him every day as I do on a tuna salad sandwich and a cherry coke.

Lord, forgive me. Forgive me for forgetting who You are. Forgive me for being so prideful as to think that getting up one hour early in the morning is enough for all I need of You. Help me to make time, Holy Spirit. Help me to plan my days around You and not You into my day. Help these be more than vain words...

Dirty

Sometimes I think I'm so full of envy and strife that it's a wonder I don't just fall down dead. It's a wonder I get anything done, or that I'm allowed to minister under a CITW banner. There are days when I feel like it's about to consume me and I'll never speak a word of wisdom, never lay hands on the sick ever again - because how could the Lord use so rotten a creature?

I know He can, though, and that He will, that He does it because He is Love and that even though I'm disgusting He smiles over me. I've reminded Him of the blood of His Son several times over the past two days ... or reminded myself. It's so hard sometimes to remember that He considers me lovely today. Me. Today. Even though I have next to no real vision for my life, almost zero passion for the One who burns for me. Even though I slept through our date this morning because I was up late watching a movie last night. He chuckles as He wipes the mud from my face.

Who can be against me? Not even me.

Yes!

I know that's a non-descript title, but it's the common denominator between two short things:

Worship at our youth meeting on Friday night was wonderful. We had fun - and I mean everyone, not just the worship team - and the Holy Spirit was manifest among us. It's so good, after prayer and more prayer, to see a break through like that, and to get to lead a small group of teenagers into the joy of their Lord. Even the new kids were jumping around. It's worth all the spiritual labor, it really is. Lord, I pray that service put an expectancy in their hearts that will never be discouraged!

On a different (but not totally unrelated) note, read Brian's blog from Saturday. It's tres bon.

Wanted:

I am struggling with our youth worship ministry, and it's starting to just get annoying.

We need to have a repetoire of more than five songs, but new songs are so hard to find. Where are all the good worship teams lead by women? And how do I get their lead sheets? All the kids want to do is Hillsong United, and I love United but I'd like to do more. There has to be more good worship music out there - not to mention most of their vocalists are men and sing out of my range. I admit I'm picky about songs (the lyrics need to be encouraging and Biblical, the music should be good and mostly upbeat), but I'm not unreasonable.

My only option, then is to write my own, and I don't know if it keeps coming to mind because I can't find another way out or because I'm being prompted. I think I have it in me, but I have no time to sit in front of my piano and mull over lyrics and chords. I've tried to think about lyrics while I'm doing other stuff, but my mind's relatively engaged all day in percents and dollar signs. Then I end up with a chorus that stands alone forever because I can't get around to putting the rest of a song around it. Ugh.

But, in other news, He met me again. The long wait is over - hallelujah. He must have known the frustration mixed with boredom was about to become toxic, and stepped in just in time to save the day. Knowing that I can quietly request His presence at any time is getting me through right now. He's the bread of life, after all; that's all I need.

mom hen

When you're involved in someone else's life, it's easy to get attached. When you're ministering, and regularly sowing into someone else's life, it's almost impossible not to. There's something about a worship team that feels so much like family it's amazing.

We had practice yesterday evening with our Switch (youth) worship team. Not long into it, I looked up toward the back of the room and Tami - our Sunday morning worship nazi ... I mean leader - was watching with her head and pregnant belly in the slightly open door. (During the first song, so my voice wasn't warmed up and I probably sounded awful.) Tami's cute anyway, but she's especially cute in that she has this mother-hen thing about the worship team. It's not surprising, given all the time and energy and prayer and faith that she spends on each of us.


Last night at shortly after 11pm, one of my little worship team chicks (as in baby chicken) called with what could have been an emergency. He was trying really hard, and doing really well, at holding himself together, but was clearly upset. We prayed together on the phone, and Timothy and I prayed again after we hung up ... then I prayed in tongues until I fell asleep. I was confident the situation would be fine - because all things work together for good to those who love God (Romans 8:28) - but I wanted my worshipper to know that, to be comforted, to trust our Lord and to sleep well.

"...that their hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love..." Colossians 2:2a

the false prophet?

Check this out. Newsweek actually ran an article on the false prophet who will rise up to prepare the world to recieve the anitchrist when he comes. Read the article, seriously, it's creepy.

The article starts describing the spirit behind this man, and how it has tried to manifest in various people over the years. "He is the Man who promises Arabs honor instead of shame, victory instead of defeat, empowerment instead of subjugation." The author outlines almost prophetically the mentality that will one day allow for his overwhelming influence, and how this new guy - Hassan Nasrallah - might finally fulfill the role that so many have been defeated in before.

"The fervent support that Hizbullah enjoys will grow with a ceasefire and diplomatic settlement that sees Israel leave occupied Lebanese lands. Almost overnight, Nasrallah will have produced what three generations of ordinary Arabs have yearned for: military effectiveness instead of haplessness; political empowerment instead of marginalization; resistance instead of forced submission to Israeli-American threats."

Interesting. The thing that gets me, though, is the list of people who have risen up under this same spirit and failed over the past 50 years. This should encourage the church in corporate prayer. We know that the key points of these last days are clearly outlined in Biblical prophecy, but we need to remember all the details that are not and pray to their ends. I'm convinced that the only reason Gamal Abdel Nasser or Ayatollah Khomeini didn't come to embody the fulness of the spirit of the false prophet - the only reason the antichrist is not, now, at the height of his rage - is because of the prayers of the saints and the warfare the church has waged for decades. Be encouraged - your prayers are heard, your prayers move heaven, your prayers are needed.

Musing

The scripture verse that's taped to my monitor today is 1 Corinthians 1:25, "Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men." I read that this morning and paused for a moment over "the weakness of God."

In India I gave a message to 800 stoic, steeped-in-tradition Indian teenagers and young adults on the burning, violently passionate heart of God. At one point I was trying to paint the picture of a mighty King whose enemies tremble before Him because He never loses a battle, the guy every man wants to be, who somehow gets butterflies in His stomach over this one particular woman. The point being, of course, that Christ is that King and you are that woman (even if you're a man - it's symbolism, come on). After I'd tried to build up the image of the Man that no one can beat or even touch, whom no one can figure out, with no apparent fine print or catch or weakness I mentioned His bride again and told them, "You are his weakness! You are the thing that softens the heart of the King of kings!"

My intent was not to imply, of course, that God is weak, or that the affection He created a person out of and for will in any way sway His ultimate ruling as the Righteous Judge. My husband pointed out that evening, though, that I hadn't attached that disclaimer during the message. The Lord knows I wasn't calling Him weak, and I petitioned forgiveness if I led anyone to that end.

Then I read 1 Corinthians 1:25 this morning and thought, "Even if I had called Him weak, his weakness is stronger than our strength." If there was any truth in my previous oration, then, His love for you is stronger than you. There's nothing you can do or say or think or believe that would convince Him to not love you. His love for you is stronger than you.

What's this ... time?

My schedule for work got moved today - for reasons too inconsequential to explain - so I'm working from noon to 9pm. That meant I had all morning to myself (and the Lord), and man, if I were a permanent housewife I would be dangerous. I made and cut 30 copies of my zine, dropped off a check in the next town, established two Roth IRAs, did a little grocery shopping, cleaned the kitchen, and baked a cake. That's right: a cake - a layered cake to boot.

I think I'm missing a prayer meeting with my friends right now, though, which is fine. Really, I'm okay with it. Totally okay ... the toddler in me wants to say it wouldn't matter because it's not like He's currently meeting me in my prayer time, but I ground the toddler to inner monologue becuase it's okay - I'm pushing through.

So there's no great revelation to share today, but if you want to come over for chocolate cake you're welcome.

Waiting

The India zine is done, hallelujah. Now I just have to print it.

I seem to be in a holding period right now, so forgive me if the blog hasn't been real fun. He refuses to encounter me. It's odd because I know all the right things to say about it and all the reasons why (I've read Deep Unto Deep twice now), but it's still a struggle. I know He's drawing me out, teaching me to press in, cultivating a hunger in my spirit if I'll allow it and not just give up ... but I still catch my heart in bitter complaint. I still catch my flesh trying to just sleep in this time - why bother getting up early if He's not going to meet you there? I still consider it, even though I know it's typical wrong response to what is happening. Weird. Don't worry, though, I'm pushing through.

"By night on my bed I sought the one I love; I sought Him, but I did not find Him. 'I will rise now,' I said, 'And go about the city; in the streets and in the squares I will seek the one I love.' I sought Him, but I did not find Him. The watchmen who go about the city found me; I said, 'Have you seen the One I love?' Scarcely had I passed by them, when I found the One I love. I held Him and would not let Him go ..." (Song of Solomon 3:1-3)

Blue Balloon

The Lord is good at symbolism. I already explained my position that God is the ultimate author, and for someone who considers herself a literature enthusiast (or one who would be if she could find the time) it's fun.

I was a bit sullen yesterday - everything that I'd been fighting off all week hit me yesterday in a well orchestrated ambush - and the fact that I had to drive to work in a gray, gloomy down-pour wasn't real encouraging. Twenty-five minutes into it, though, as I was getting into McHenry, a fairly large, blue balloon dodged the truck in front of me and bounced along down the side of the road, keeping pace with my car for a moment.

Watching it out the passenger window I was amazed, first, that anything could bounce in that kind of weather. BAM! Condemnation. The enemy started accussing me of giving in to this little bout of depression and not letting the joy of the Lord be my strength, etc. Wonderful, now I'm sad and in sin - this is going to be a great day.

My second thought - because now I'm just embittered - was that a really dramatic effect would have been to make it a red balloon. Gottcha on that one, God. Then I realized that not only was the environment unpleasant, the balloon itself was blue ... but still bouncing. He was right there to hold me: don't feel bad for being a little down. You can have joy any time you want it, but if you're tired and overwhelmed and you just want to sigh instead of smile it's okay to cry on My shoulder - I won't call you a bad Christian, or your faith weak. It's okay to be a little blue when you're getting rained on, just keep bouncing - be faithful in your duties and passionate for your God - and you'll be fine.

The rest of my day was miserable, but I feel alright about it.

Salvation?

I've been kind of meditating on the concept of salvation lately. My contention has been this:

Romans 10:9//... that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.

vs.

Matthew 33:38//And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.

I know a lot of Christians (and even more pseudo-Christians) who use Romans to assure their salvation even though they may not necessarily be doing their best to live a Christian life. I nod my head and think, "Yup, that's what the Bible says, so I guess you're good." It makes salvation pretty easy: McSalvation, if you will.

Then I read passages like Matthew 33:38, and that makes it sound harder. To me, Matthew 33 is, "Go to the cross or go home," but a lot of Romans 10:9 Christians wouldn't be worthy of Christ by the standard set forth in Matthew 33:38 (and I'm not trying to be righteous here, there are days when I don't like to admit which camp I'm probably in).

I sought the Lord on the matter and do you know what He told me? "Whoever calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." At first that seemed to support Romans without addressing Matthew and I was a little disappointed. Then I looked it up.

That phrase appears three times in scripture: Joel 2:32, Acts 2:21, and Romans 10:13. In Acts and Romans the author/speaker is quoting Joel, so we turn to Joel for the initial context. I'll let you look it up (v. 31 and 32), but it's talking about the "great and terrible day of the Lord." It's talking about calling on the name of the Lord in a time when you may be immediately martyred for doing so. Then I realized that Romans 10:9 was written during a time when you may have been martyred for confessing with your mouth the Lord Jesus.

My conclusion is this: If one will call upon the name of the Lord, and confess His diety - under threat of torture and/or death - one will be saved. Hence taking up the cross. Your comments are welcome.

When you see these things ...

Yes, that's Madonna.

"For many will come in My name, saying, 'I am the Christ' and will decieve many" (Matthew 24:5).

"knowing this first: that scoffers will come in the last days, walking according to their own lusts" (2 Peter 3:3).

"Nevertheless I have a few things against you, because you allow that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess, to teach and seduce My servants ..." (Revelation 2:20)

"But He was wounded for our transgression ... bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; We have turned, every one, to his own way; And the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed and He was afflicted, Yet he opened not His mouth; He was led as a lamb to the slaughter, And as a sheep before its shearers is silent, So He opened not His mouth" (Isaiah 53:5-7)

Pray Without Ceasing

I just want to pray ... b/c I just want to be with Him. I don't want to go to work, and I don't want to clean my apartment. I just want to sit at His feet and listen to Him talk about whatever is on His heart to talk about.

A woman in our office got healed yesterday. It was an amazing miracle: swollen disc and a bone spur that was about to cause permanent nerve damage and perpetual pain. You know what, though? I don't even want to talk about it, because it's not as good as talking to Him. I love healing; I have a serious contention to move in that gifting that goes back to my days as a heathen. But healing is boring compared to His face.

Two weeks in India demonstrated the unmatchable power and love of my Lord, but signs and wonders are really starting to take their rightful (second) place in my heart. We know, and we say, that signs and wonders are to confirm or validate the gospel, but as a baby Christian these past two years I wonder if I hadn't made signs and wonders the gospel. We get really excited when a criple stands and walks in the name of Jesus, but when someone gets saved we kind of pat him on the back and say, "Good job." I think my heart is really starting to understand, and really starting to want more than simple miracles.

I, like I said, really want to move more in the gift of healing, but I'd give it all to someone else's faithful hands if it meant He'd encounter me in my quiet time - if I could walk with Him in the cool of every day.

Pro-Israel Christians?

I only had a few minutes (b/c how long could it possibly take to make a tall chai latte?) to let my eyes dart over the headlines on three choice newspapers stacked beside the counter. Two above-the-fold articles promised scandalous news about a rash group of Messianic Jews with influence in the media pumping out pro-Israel commercials that appear to be targeting Christians. Before I make the obvious comments, can I make this one: it's pitiful that anyone needs to produce any kind of pro-Israel propaganda targeting Christians; Christians should understand covenant and, thus, already be gung-ho pro-Israel.

That said, the tone of both of these articles (at least the first three paragraphs of each b/c those baristas are quick) was one of shocked disdain that someone would produce any kind of pro-Israel propaganda, and especially that they would aim to brainwash the poor, innocent Christians into thinking God has some special plan for the horrible (sic) little nation ... by using scripture verses that speak to that end. How ... terribly - um - manipulative?

A lot of people are going to be really surprised when this all goes down.

Seeds of Glory

Here I am, home from the most amazing two weeks of my life, struggling with the race set before me. I know that my Lord has an amazing plan for my life, and as long as I'm in His will I'm in the best place I can be. At the same time, though, so many of my friends are taking Forerunner classes or planning to spend months in some amazing missionary ministry. I spend nine hours a day in a retirement planning office and otherwise struggle to find time to draw close to the Lover of my soul.

But this is not a pity party, b/c - like I said - I know there's no better place I could be than in His will. It's just something I've been struggling with these few days I've been back, but I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3)!

It also helps that when I checked my email after two weeks, I got a super-encouraging note from a dear, sweet sister of mine. I love the way God uses our brothers and sisters in Christ, b/c sometimes you can know all the right things but it just helps to hear it from someone else.

Home [Adjective] Home

I'm not even going to talk about it here. I'm zine-ing, so if you don't see me in person regularly and you're not on my mailing list, let me know and I'll send you one when they're done.

The real challenge, after two weeks, is coming home. Messy apartment, stupid job. I thought it might be nice to only work nine hours each day - as opposed to the 12 or 14 we were "working" in India - but it's not really. My flesh definately prefers the shorter work day, but my spirit misses the exercise. So much of India is oppressed and depressed in so many ways, but there's a spiritual freedom there that I'm jealous for. There's a simplicity there that I've been after as long as I've been aware that I should be after a way of life. Call me to India, Lord - I'll go.

... One ...

I'm leaving for two weeks - I've been busy.

On a side note, before I get back to our main theme, here, I had an amazing time with my little brother on Friday. We went out to lunch so I could hang out before I left and it was just wonderful. I won't go into all the glorious details, but I just know that he knows there's more out there for him. He's too smart to really believe pot and tattoos is his portion forever. If you can, please keep him in your prayers.

The team spent ten hours together yesterday preparing. Most of the time was learning dramas, which are amazing. The main one we'll be doing is called Freedom and if you've ever seen it you know it's amazing. Just watching the DVD before we blocked it out was powerful - it hit so close to home I got choked up. It's about a girl who goes through everything trying to find the thing that will make her happy for real; over and over again she turns away from Christ to try the things of the world and every time they hurt her. I admit I was a little jealous to play the role of that girl, but I know if I obey my leadership I'm in His will and I'm becoming convinced I have at least a decent grasp on the malice controling a demon (that's my role - I'm a greed demon) because they manipulated me for so long. (Forgive the run-on sentence.) It's going to be interesting.

... Four ...

I think my mind is being renewed regarding this trip. I find that when I pray about it, or just think about it even in passing, it's almost like it's business. In a tough-guy-starring-in-a-'90s-action-movie sort of way, but not at all cheesy because there's nothing cheesy about my God. I'm excited and I know it's going to be fun, but at the same time it's like I'm being prepared to take no prisoners. I'm anticipating powerful things, and I'm nearly to the point of spiritual violence over it. (I say "nearly" because I know there's a level of spiritual violence I haven't even dreamed of yet.) At the rate I'm going, in four more days I may be ... I hope I'll be ready to pick a fight.

In the natural, Timothy took a turn for the worse yesterday with that bug he's fighting. This morning saw a renewed strength, though, so he'll be fine by take-off.

... Five ...

I'm starting to notice my ideas changing about what this work in India is going to be. In my prayer time and just in passing thought, anticipating the events soon to come, I catch myself relating to the thing as a serious battle. I say "catch myself" because it's not a mind set I'm trying actively to cultivate, it's just there. Hmm.

In the meantime we continue to be blessed beyond measure. The nearly $2000 balance on our trip has been covered by two generous donors. I pray a double-blessing on their families! The next day the guy in Oklahoma that Timothy's been trying to haggle with over his dream bass guitar emails and offers an amazing deal - and we don't even have to pay it all up front. He doesn't know us, but he's willing to send the bass and trust that we'll pay it off when we're able.

... Six ...

Naturally, everything gets more intense the closer one gets to launch time. Finances are going to be extremely tight between bills before we leave and paying off the balance on the trip itself. Time is becoming elusive; we're adjusting things and canceling things to try to find time to put together this packing list. Last night Timothy got hit with a sore throat and a bit of congestion - which doesn't surprise us in the least. And we haven't even left, but we're already learning new things about submitting and obedience.

The Countdown Begins

We leave for Kurnool, India one week from today. I've gone back and forth between being excited and nervous, and now I'm just looking forward to two weeks with my Lord. Two weeks I don't have to take hours out of my day to put together client portfolios and all the rest.

I was talking with our youth pastor, who just got back from Mexico with the Jr. High kids, about how it hits them when everything else they're used to is taken away and they're just there with Jesus. My spirit got excited. Please take everything else away, I don't want it and it's always in the way. I can't wait.

In the meantime we'll be busy gathering things like sandals and deet and old sheets. Please remember us when you're with Him; I covet your prayers.

The Lamb

I went home last night and made tea and found John 1 because I missed Jesus. I got to verse 29, "The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him, and said, 'Behold! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!" And I cried.

Poop

So it's been a while.

And I have nothing to say. I'm tired.

I loath the contents of my weekdays between 8 and 5, but at the same time if this is where the Lord has me I should rejoice b/c He knows best, right? Forgive me, but I just can't right now.

I consider myself vile for how much I've neglected Him this week. It's like the days are over in minutes and I'm exhausted and I don't know where it all went or what it yielded. I don't even try to recollect anymore because usually it's nothing, and that's just depressing. I've completely slacked off on my early morning prayer time, and the one time I tried it was like I had nothing to say. I can sit at work and make a list five miles long of people and countries and ministries and errors in my own soul to pray for and then I bring myself before Him and it becomes dry, rote religion. I can't even do that really romantic, coming-back-to-my-first-love thing and bask in His glory and goodness and beauty because I fall asleep waiting for Him. Just like the disciples in the garden; I guess I don't get it either. I haven't had a good meal in a week and all that's happened is my stomach's shrunk.

Jay told me this would happen.

The Author

I forget sometimes that God is an author - and a best selling author at that. If anyone knows metaphor, personification, allusion, etc it's the Lord.

With that understanding these past few weeks, I've found the world much more interesting. It's not cheesy or over-analytical to consider the odd little things we encounter day to day, because as Christians we have the assurance that Christ is directing our paths. There's not a moment of the day that He forgets you because He's working with someone else. When I'm having a rough day and I glance down at my feet in time to notice a sole ant dragging a dead caterpillar across the sidewalk, I know that the Holy Spirit sees it to and we chuckle at it together.

It's also pretty easy to let our society convince us, on some subconsious level that we don't always see right away, that God is haughty, or arrogant, or stoic, or boring, or all of the above. If God didn't have a sense of humor, there would be no laughter; if God weren't playful, there would be no weekends.

That makes things not only more interesting, but way more fun. A few nights ago the Lord knew someone was planning a fireworks display, and He beat them to the punch. We stood out on a friend's back porch to watch the most amazing symphony of heat lighting I've ever seen, and perhaps 10 minutes into it the fireworks started. It was so embarassing we laughed, and I'm sure that's what He was going for. He's a Father who likes to show off in front of his children who love Him.

Worship and Prayer

I got a piano. My very own piano. It's electric, but man is it beautiful. And it sounds amazing. I got a smashing deal on the thing too; the boss called it an "ex-employee discount."

Music's really coming to the fore-front lately. I suddenly want to write songs, which sounds like some cliche thing that anyone who has really been in music for over a decade would say. Every musician wants to write music, right? Faux. I was classically trained for eight years and that will intimidate you right out of attempting to write music. They don't even call it "writing music," it's "composing." Who am I to compose? Jeeze. I want to now though, and it's bugging me because I've never wanted to write music before and I don't want to disappoint myself. I know that's the wrong thing to say on so many levels, but that's where I'm at right now so if you cringed just then, pray for me.

A woman in my office was telling us this morning about her granddaughter who wrote the lyrics to this beautiful song that some major artist picked up. She played the song and everyone knew it but me (it's a secular song). I just got annoyed that someone with such a gift would waste it on everything that's falling away. I haven't actually sat down and made any real attempt to write a song, though, so it's like my flesh just wants to be jealous because that's the artistic angst thing to do and blah blah.

Part of me hestitates too because I don't feel qualified to write worship music. I listen to some of these beautiful, inspiring songs and think, "Wow. My heart is so not in that place." I wonder if I'm passionate enough for a good piece to flow out of me. I guess you'd tell me, though, that the Holy Spirit is plenty passionate and if I just let Him write I'm okay. You're good council.

The Harp & Bowl's been divine too. We actually had people come after the service last night, just for Harp & Bowl. One woman was telling us afterward about how she's been struggling in worship lately. That feeling of always having to press in to engage in worship had been overwhelming, but last night she used the term "sweet Spirit" more than once to describe the atmosphere.

Worship and prayer and worship and prayer and prayer and worship. It's almost like I'm practicing ... or training for something. Hmm.

Busy, Busy

There's so much going on it's crazy.

The Jr. High kids left for Mexico Saturday morning. Most of them called home Sunday and all of their parents told me about it at the church picnic that afternoon. Everyone's well. They were still in Texas, waiting to jump the border and save souls.

We've had about a half dozen kids/teenagers in the past two weeks dropping everything and looking for Christ (again, in some cases). Every day I hear of a kid who left youth group and had been doing drugs who decided it was all garbage and he's coming back. Or a guy who's never been to church before putting down the alcohol because he can't pull himself away from his new Bible. It's phenomenal - Jesus is on the move.

I think personally I'm at a point where I may have to take a step back from something - although I don't know what. It seems I've cut out all the simpler things and I'm still just tired all the time. Being a full time employee, a full time wife, doing a full time ministry, and trying desperately to pursue a real relationship with the Son of God is exhausting. Or maybe I haven't figured out how to effectively budget my time - although goodness knows I'm trying.

So that's a brief update. I hadn't posted in a while because things at work have been so busy that even my lunch breaks are consumed, so I wanted to throw up something for the out-of-towners who may been reading.

Love you all.