cop out

It's not even like I don't have anything to type about. We started Omega last night - I think I've linked Omega more than anything else on this silly blog. It was great: 45 minute video and two hours of conversation. We covered everything too; I wonder what we could possibly talk about next week. We started at the positive events of the end times and ended up in a dialogue about the sovereignty of God vs. free will and omnipotence vs. the power of prayer. I was exhausted.

I'm also in the middle of a great teaching Misty Edwards gave at the recent Onething conference. It's really, really good and I could tell you all about it ... and maybe I will ... tomorrow.

Right now I'm tired. The analogy I recently gave a friend was, "It's kind of like being run over by a car again and again and again ... pretty soon there's just no bones left to break so what does it really matter if it happens one more time?"

Three years ago this would have been okay. I would have slipped into the low end of the bi-polar wave and cried myself to sleep for a few weeks. Now I'm free ... and I know I'm free. I don't have to do that anymore and I don't want to, but really, it would be easier. Now I ask the Lord to humble my heart, and now I practice praying for those who spitefully use me. I pray the Lord show me that the lesson here is to love my enemy. "Enemy" might be a strong word, but its the same idea.

All that said, this walrus does sit ups. There's some silly thing about a soccer fight and a weird ritual (that evidently doesn't work) after the walrus, because I didn't edit the video. CNN apparently ran a longer story on the walrus, but if it's on YouTube, I can't find it. There are those days when you need a walrus with a workout regimen to pick you up again. Dying to self is easier when there's a large marine mammal doing push-ups, that's just a general rule.

video

This is from the 1940s ... I don't have an exact date, but I have reason to believe it's 1943. Not sure I agree with the pre-tribulation rapture idea presented, but it's fun all the same. I wish I had statistics on this. Something like "Three out of every five individuals who saw this gave their lives to Christ on the spot." (There's also some anti-Hillsong message at the end - I don't agree with that either. I like Hillsong. The person that made this video available on YouTube has some strange agenda ... but whatever. We'll all get over ourselves and the video will still be funny.)

weekend

Where do the weekends go? This here post is a catch-up for the out-of-towners. If you see me several times a week, you may be bored by the ensuing post.

I am going to India. I needed to know by the weekend, and - true to form - the Lord answered in the 11th hour. It wasn't literally the 11th hour; I think it was closer to 4:30pm. In a meeting with my boss the Holy Spirit pressed me to ask for an extra two weeks of unpaid vacation time in August. I'm very intimidated by my boss, and can honestly report that it's something I never would have asked him if not for a gripping fear of the Lord at that moment. Honestly, I hope it doesn't come down to that anyway. I hope I'm out of this job long before August ... but that's a whole seperate issue. (Unless you really feel called to finance a worshipper/youth worship leader and otherwise CITW volunteer. Then it's not a seperate issue at all, and you should talk to me. Ha.)

We introduced another teenager to his Hope and Salvation Friday night. I never get tired of that. I'd like to see more, but we're proving ourselves faithful with little right now. I think we're doing well with it, too.

Friday was also 12 hours of prayer. Pride made an appearance again, followed closely by its good friend, Condemnation. Maybe not. I wasn't really feeling condemned, as much as I was just disgusted again. I thought about leaving before my 2am prayer time - Titus could have handled it just fine without me and I was feeling too gross to put a mic to my face. Instead, I dozed off on a row of chairs for 20 minutes and woke up at five minutes to 2. I took my place at the piano and hope it availed more in other people than it did in me ... not that there were many people still around at 2am.

My husband and I are making headway (finally) on a design for the boxes of black hoodies that have been sitting in our apartment for months. Something finally motivated him, so he's off and running, and we should have those relatively soon. I know I'm excited.

pride

I am the most prideful person I know.

This is my battle currently. I knew, obviously, that there's pride in me, but I stared at it last night and it's worse than I thought. It really is disgusting.

It's irritating when three year olds get on a "why" kick; it's really irritating (to my flesh - disclaimer) when Holy Spirit does it. I love Him; I know He's helping me. My flesh hates it. It brings the deeper motives for everything I do into the light, and, yes, better they're brought to the light on this side of eternity but that doesn't make it less painful.

How much of everything that I do, do I do for the Lord? Not how many things of my laundry list of tasks per day do I accomplish for Him (1 point for worship practice, -1 point for dishes). Of each single thing I do for Him, how much am I really doing for Him? Fasting, for example. What is my motive? Is 99% of my motive to draw near my Creator and submit my will to His, and 1% of my motive to gain the approval of my church leaders? Because that's not good enough. Is my heart really to serve, or to be seen as a servant?

The thing about pride is that its such a painfully obvious thorn that you just have to deal with it. You can't pretend you didn't know it was there because it points itself out. If I look at someone and get a knot in my stomach because I'm irritated at his pride ... that's probably my pride whining about how he has nothing to be so proud about. Ouch. (Of course I'm sure there are circumstances wherein someone may have a word of knowledge about someone else struggling with pride, or a spirit of discerning on the matter, but if it's God it will be compassionate instead of annoying.)

Complications on the matter:
False humility is also pride.
A poor self-image is not the same thing as humility.

So I'm working on this.

last night

Last night was a blast and a half. Also a revelation on how old I am. How old am I?

1. A new friend is an event. When you don't spend everyday surrounded by hundreds of like minded peers (i.e. college), the chances of meeting someone that you actually get along with drop significantly. Erin is new, and I hope she sticks around.

2. It was 11pm when we left church to get food. I didn't get to bed until after midnight and was dead tired when I did. I fell asleep thinking, "Why did I do this to myself? I have to be up in five hour ... zzzz."

Highlights:

We left church after some good worship/prayer time - mostly in regard to Holy Spirit breaking through all the religious garbage in the western church. It's a common Wednesday night worship time theme because it's always on my heart and no one steps up to the prayer mic to redirect my attention. Where do you go at 11pm after some good prayer time in Elgin/Algonquin, Illinois? Denny's.

I like hanging out with Titus because he keeps the conversation focused on Christ all the time. I try, and sometimes forget, but that guy is always on. Always. We all talked about what we've been learning lately, and in the process taught ourselves and each other. I casually mentioned that Timothy and I recently invested in an Omega becuase neither one of us is ready.

Titus: "For Jesus to come back, you mean?"
Me: "Ya."
Titus: "Ya."

Quiet. It was one of those cinematic, pensive silences wherein we all calculated our standing before the soon-coming King and our position to withstand the most trying times ... not only withstand but lead others to Christ in the midst of it.

Later that evening ...

On the way home I got pulled over becuase I have a headlight out. The officer was very graceful in relinquishing what he probably though was a warning about a headlight and a ticket for an expired plate. I showed him the bulb I'd bought on my lunch break, and explained that as dumb as it sounds someone pulled the sticker off my plate and if he checks my registration he'll see I'm all up to date. He conceeded and it ended well for me.

I flipped my turn signal on and looked over my shoulder to pull away from the curb. I eased off the clutch, glanced in my mirror as the officer walked back to his car, and just as I started to drive away - I kid you not - the left headlight on the squad car blinked out. Mua ha ha.

anticipation

How much longer can this possibly go on? That's all I want to know. I can wait to find out exactly how it goes down, exactly what my role is, etc. I just want to know when. The waiting is killing me.

Everybody feels it. Everybody knows that it's right around the corner. Everyone is expecting 07 to be a banner year in so many ways. Everybody is wrestling with this holy anticipation ... this unrest in the collective Spirit of the Church that is driving His Bride to new heights, depths, lengths and widths - or at least pointing them out with a whisper of, "That's where you're headed."

And it's in my spirit because it's in His Spirit and I can't get away from it. Every morning I drive to work and plead with the Lord that today be the day. Not because I'm so anxious for the day, although I am, just because I feel like I couldn't possibly wait any longer. There has to be a break through ... not even a break through, a break open. I have a teaching by Misty Edwards that she must have given years and years ago, and at one point she makes the comment that, "sometimes I feel like any minute the sky's just going to break open and heaven's going to be there ..." Literal or physical I can't wait for this sky - this lid that we've put on the Church on the Spirit on the hope of glory, that doesn't seem like a lid because it's relatively spacious - to just break open. Do you feel that? Something has to change. Something has to happen.

And yet He tarries. He waits. He waits and He smiles at what I think is a terrible burden, at what I think is uncontainable love, at what I think is high expectations, at what I think is anticipation. He waits and He whispers to me, "This is nothing. This is nothing compared to the burden on My heart for My bride, the love in my heart, the expectation I have of you, the anticipation that stirs in Me to come to you." He waits for our heart to look like His heart. He waits to build a level of anticipation, need, desire that only He can fulfill ... and even then all of our ideas of Him will suddenly seem so small when He comes. Oh, that the Spirit and the bride would cry with one accord, with everything we are and everything we have, "Come!"

redirect

I really had nothing to tell you this morning. Nothing over the course of the weekend topped Friday night. I started to post on my Battle Cry, and in the process got what I think is a stinkin' cool little revelation. Go here.

Before you go, though, watch this. I didn't know about this, and now it's a little late. If abortion isn't overturned by next January, I'm going to try to get out there, though. Smells like a Switch worship team field trip. Eh?

the power of God on Friday night

Haha. I stole the title from Pastor. It's funny to me. Shush.

Last night was swell. I love it when Holy Spirit makes His presence known. I love it, and I want it to happen every week. What was different about this week? Hmm.

1. We were unexpectedly short one band member, and had to change the set at the last minute because we realized we really can't play one of the songs we wanted to play. When we are weak, He is strong.

2. Our team on stage was in one accord. That's huge. It's easier to do with fewer people too. Haha. One of the guys, especially, just got back from the OneThing conference and is back to being on fire for Jesus again. That helped. He was sharing notes from teachings about worship, and reading us scripture on worship before we went on stage. The testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy. When even one person on stage has other things to do and is only there because he's "on" that week ... it hinders things. We all need to be submitted.

3. There were probably 30 teenagers there and most of them were genuinely worshipping. That's the best. Even some kids we haven't seen in a while just let go of themselves and gave all they had to God.

As one member of a congregation, never underestimate your influence during a worship set. When the Holy Spirit came on Pentecost (Acts 2), the Bible says that 120 people were all in one accord. I don't know how long they waited in that upper room, but I'm sure of this: It wasn't them waiting on God to send the Holy Spirit, as much as it was God waiting on them. When every last person's heart was aligned, focused on Christ, then the power of God could move.

You don't have to feel anything, you just have to worship. If you don't feel tingly all over, get over it and sing the song. If you can't get your mind off something else, sit down for a second, give that thing to God, get over it and sing the song. If you're tired because you were up late last night, take a deep breath, remind yourself you'll probably only be standing for 20 minutes, get over it and sing the song. I knew the moment last night that one of the guys on stage with me let go (toward the end of the second song) and freedom erupted on stage. It was glorious.

As I explicate ... I think we over-complicate worship. I prayed out this little revelation at 6:55pm last night. We think we have to raise our hands during the chorus of the song, and harmonize with the vocalists during the verses. The band has to play every chord just right, and the lead singer's vibrato has to be steady. Of course no one would admit that if asked - and that's okay - but I wonder how many of us listen to the intonation of our own voices during worship more than we listen for the voice of the Lord. Worship is really a very simple phenomena: you tell God how awesome He is, He tells you how much He loves you, and everyone's heart is overcome in the process (Song of Solomon 4).

just faith

I think I'm coming to a very simple faith. I don't want to debate the existance of God, or the diety of Christ, because He's just true and if you're determined to argue about it then I'm not going to convince you anyway. I'm more than happy to quote every scripture verse I know at someone, but I'm done with the rest because it's dumb.

Every day there's just more and more of it. You can't go anywhere or post anything anywhere or represent Christ in any way without getting cussed out and/or accused of being intolerant, sexist, homophobic, war mongering, etc. I used to get all upset, but now I pray and give 'em a Bible verse before moving on. I'm sure it won't be long now before all the little anti-Christs realize their error anyway.

Brian Zahnd gave a great message a couple weeks ago called What About Doubt? He tells of asking his family one morning, "Why do you believe in God?" The answer (the only correct answer, he suggests) his son gave was, "Because it's true." He also talks about the futility to trying to prove God's existance, because to prove something's existance you compare it to something greater ... and nothing is greater than God.

So there.

And for the out-of-towners: Timothy and I are doing well. The thing that has been taking up a lot of my prayer time is this summer's trip to India. There's a need for the female half of the leadership team, and I've been invited, so that ups the ante a little more. The problem is work: it's two weeks, and I get two weeks vacation. I might be able to take a leave of absence, but I don't know if I can do that and still get vacation (because Timothy and I really need a vacation this year) or if I'll have a job when I get back (not that I'd be upset, but the money is good). The Lord won't speak on it as clearly as I'd like Him too, and an answer is needed. Keep us in your prayers.

mourning already

I was listening to Corey Russell preach on my way to work this morning. I got to track four, which I've listened to probably a hundred times, about the power of a simple, annointed gospel and prayer. About the lack of prayer, the need for prayer, the power of prayer. About my inability to do anything great without His grace. Out of no where my eyes welled up and I couldn't help but weep.

I'm not scheduled for "Blessed are those who mourn ..." until February, but I mourned. I mourned the apathy and indifference that had so subtly taken possession of my spirit. I mourned the condition of the western Church, so confident in our own riches that we deny His power. I mourned every minute of the past two and half years that I could have been in prayer, but wasted otherwise. What will become of us?

Consider and hear me, O LORD my God; Enlighten my eyes, Lest I sleep the sleep of death (Ps 13).

what time is it?

I know every Christian blogger has probably been all over this, but I want to take a big step back.

MSNBC published an article on the "blasphemy challenge." My first thought was probably the same as yours, and I started brainstorming about the most effective counter-strike. They don't care, though, and it wouldn't help anyone anyway. There are believers on YouTube posting responses, but even if it became a big, centralized campaign like the "B.C." (ironic) it still wouldn't catch the attention of the liberal American media giant.

Then there's this kind of stuff. This is Jay Bakker, son of former evangelists Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker. At first, Jay's little project, "Revolution Church," sounds like a good thing. I agree that there are entire segments of society that the Church as a whole rejects based on appearance and/or lifestyle choices. I agree that someone needs to get out there and tell them about God, but as you read you wonder which god they're hearing about. Jay unknowingly sums it all up when he states, "Pharisees can have Mohawks too." You're a Pharisee alright, man.

1 Corinthians 9:19-23//For though I am free from all men, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win the more; and to the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might win Jews; to those who are under the law, as under the law, that I might win those who are under the law; to those who are without law, as without law (not being without law toward God, but under law toward Christ), that I might win those who are without law; to the weak I became as weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some. Now this I do for the gospel’s sake, that I may be partaker of it with you.

Corey Russell's latest CD, Ancient Paths, features one track by a man named Allen Hood. True to the theme of the album, Allen's preaching on the end of the age, and at one point says, "The time of your ministry is over." It's too close, too desperate, too short, too important to be thinking about my preaching engagements for 07, where I'm going on the annual missions's trip, how many times my name will appear in print, or what kind of status I me mine is going to attain in my local church this year.

Do I know Him? Am I ready to stand in faith while the worst of it is crashing down around me, and am I ready to bring others to Him in the midst of it? Am I living on the watchtower or visiting from time to time? Do I live, day to day, to see His glory manifest in the earth or my own? Have I given up the deep recesses of my heart?

This thing - this time, this age, - is too big for me and it's too big for you. We need to look to Him and His plans like never before and fall in line.

kids and tv

Timothy and I went to our local shopping mall early this evening ... not because we like malls (Timothy especially usually can't spend more than 20 minutes in a mall without getting upset) but because Timothy had a gift card that was burning a hole in his pocket.

Craving satisfied, we began to exit the mall. Allow me to set the scene:

It's about 6pm on a Saturday, so what is normally a pretty desolate mall is full of the usual characters: thugs, punks, babies' mommas, families ... basically a decent cross section of the general populous of McHenry County. The usual furnishings adorn the center of the mall isles, although I admit I'd never seen black leather massage chairs offering a body buzz for $1. They say you can't get anything for $1 anymore. Among the usual furnishings is general billboard for various stores in the mall - not the directory, but the one that advertises different stores you can get lost trying to find because it's not the directory you're looking at.

Over the past few decades these little implements have definately taken advantage of developing technology, and where once were posters there now are low-end TV screens. This particular one was more like a low-end computer screen running a slow screen saver. The sweater from one store turns into a bra from another store turns into a pair of shoes from another store. It wasn't even moving very fast.

As we walked by there was a small boy - maybe eight or nine years old - sitting on the dirty tile floor, legs crossed, two feet away from the screen, neck craned up so he could watch. No, I'm not joking. It wasn't a television, but it was the closest he was going to get to one as long as his mom sat in the hallway waiting for whatever or whomever they were waiting for. You could have taken a photo of the scene, cut the kid out of it, and pasted him into a living room - everything about his body language, glazed expression, and sedate brain activity was exactly the same.

It didn't even matter that he wasn't watching anything interesting ... or really anything at all. I'm sure the product screen saver in its entire circulation is not as stimulating as a moment of normal childrens programming. The point was he was told to stay in a concentrated area and, lucky stars, there was a moving picture screen in that area. Like young romance, it doesn't matter if the other has anything interesting to say he just wanted to be close to it. Weird.

poverty of spirit

So I've been trying to become "poor in spirit" according to Matthew 5:3, and it hasn't been working. I'm not feeling it. I've been praying, Lord, show me what it is to be poor in spirit! Very passionate.

Yesterday I realized I am poor in spirit. Given my previous altered-for-context definition of "poor," we're all poor in spirit. The proudest atheist is completely poor in spirit.

poor: having little or no means of support (without Jesus -Ed.), dependant upon charity (read: grace -Ed.), meagerly endowed, deficient, lacking, inferior, inadequate, lacking in (my own -Ed.) skill or ability, deficient in moral excellence, meager, humble, modest, needy.

We know that anything good in anyone's life is an act of God's mercy, because He loves saint and sinner alike. If He removed His hand from our lives, we'd all be without support; we're all dependant upon His charity and grace. It's true of everyone. So what's the deal with the first beatitude?

Whether or not the kingdom of heaven is mine depends on my knowing and admitting and living according to the fact that I am completely at His mercies (which are new every morning: hallelujah.) Jesus councils the poor, encouraging us to come to him so he can take care of us. In order to go to Him, though, we need to first realize how poor we are.

I'm not exactly sure how to do that. I think He has to show me, so I think it's going to involve a lot of quiet time and a very vulnerable spirit.

book reviews

I finished Intercessor over the long Christmas weekend. I'm still not sure how I feel about it as a whole.

Initially its extremely challenging. I couldn't put it down. Then I stumbled onto some really bad doctrine. If you don't know that you know that the Lord is a healer; the same yesterday, today, and forever; who shows no favoritism; and once and forever healed everyone ... read Christ the Healer by F.F. Bosworth before you get into Intercessor.

That bit in the middle that got into Rees' theories on divine healing was a little hard to get through, but it was worth doing. The way he governed his finances (and the finances of a new university) on faith is more than an inspiration, and to read the stories of how the prayer coming out of a few dozen young adults given to intercession guided the course of a World War is amazing.

I'll be honest: when I heard about Rees Howells ("the man God used to pray His will in the midst of a war!") it sounded a little sensational, and I was pretty sure it was exaggerated. I thought, "Maybe some cool stuff happened, but the man did not alter the course of WWII. No way." I was pretty sure that a couple of strange coincidences were over-romanticized and made to seem highly spiritual, but my objective view on the story would surely shine some light on the truth. I was wrong, though. Rees met the heart of God for the war and prayed it out.

It's encouraging. Everyone, at some point, probably has a quiet moment wherein we think, "How much is this doing, really?" We think we know that our prayers move heaven, but they really, really do. Really.

dead but not dying

We've all heard the phrase (or lyric, if you're 20 or older), "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." We all know we take a lot of things for granted because we've all at least heard about poverty-stricken nations and at some point had a moment of honest reflection in which we were really struck by how blessed we are to have been born or found our way into the wealthiest nation in the world. (Appologies for the run-on sentence.) If you've ever been to one of those nations, you come back with this resolve in your spirit to take a moment and thank the Lord every time you flush a toilet, but a month later you've forgotten all about it. Of all the things I never thought I'd take for granted, though, Holy Spirit was at the top of that list.

Timothy and I were out of town last weekend visiting half of my family for Christmas. Come Sunday morning we went to church with my grandparents and my great-grandma. We wanted to be in a church to respect the Word of the Lord, and because the Holy Spirit teaches us all things ... so we knew as long as a Bible was involved it wouldn't be hopeless. We also went because it made my great-grandma happy, and anything you can do to make an 80-something year old lady happy is a good idea.

I'm not going to pick apart the service (but I certainly could), because it will avail nothing. I knew that most American churches operate in that fashion: poor if not outright incorrect doctrine, consumer-friendly message, pre-scripted prayers, and no alter ministry. I spent a decade in one of those churches, but I guess it had been a while and I'd forgotten all about it.

At the end of the service, a man began to pray and read, "Lord we thank you because we have felt your presence here this morning." Timothy dropped his head and fearfully whispered, "Oh Lord." I can honestly say I tried all morning to connect with God's heart and it was difficult. I looked around and realized that I was in a room with scores of people who don't know what it's like to be in His presence.

And that's exactly why it's not okay. It would be easy to walk away from that and say, "Well it's not my cup of tea, but if that's how they want to have church then it's up to them." I'm not alright with that. That's not how Holy Spirit wants to have church (and it's His church); that's not how church is supposed to be (see Acts); and that's not even really how they want church they just don't know any better. It's not alright because I looked around at dozens and dozens of people who love God and who are being robbed of the fullness of His glory. It's not alright because that night Timothy and I tried to pray with my grandma for healing (recent chemotherapy treaments killed a lot of the nerve endings in her hands and feet so it's hard for her to handle small things and the ground always feels uneven to her), and although she let us, she watched with this "that's so cute" look on her face as I commanded nerve endings to be restored in Jesus' name. (Of course, I'm still praying that she'll find faith one day soon and that prayer will be allowed to take its course.)

I'm kind of ranting now, but I'm frustrated. We need to pray until the crippling grip of religion is broken off of the Church in America. We so desperately need revival.

fun game

I made up a fun game. If you're rockin' Battle Cry you've already heard this, but that's okay. I call it "the beatitude game" because I haven't come up with anything more clever. Hopefully the board game version will be out in time for Christmas 07.

Here's how you play:
1. Pick one verse from Matthew 5:3-10. It can be your favorite, the easiest, the hardest, or just the first on the list.

2. Dedicate yourself for a month to the study of every word in that verse, to prayer regarding your condition in relation to that verse, and to actively cultivating your life in accordance with that verse.

3. One month later, pick another one and repeat step two.

Fun, huh? I'm starting at the top because, honestly, they all scare me. I'm on day two and it's hard. I have Post-Its on my computer and in my car that read:

poor: having little or no means of support (without Jesus -Ed.), dependant upon charity (read: grace -Ed.), meagerly endowed, deficient, lacking, inferior, inadequate, lacking in (my own -Ed.) skill or ability, deficient in moral excellence, meager, humble, modest, needy.

Naturally there is some interpretation here; I am not striving to be deficient in moral excellence, but realizing that as I try and try I am comparitively a long way off. Still trying, though - that's the clincher.

Are you in?

healing

Revelation 19:10//"... For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy."

I hereby prophesy dramatic miracles of healings in and through our youth.

After the service last Friday, 30 to 40 teenagers spent a half hour frantically searching the building for clues that would reveal the destination of next summer's missions trip. It was pretty exciting, even to watch.

One girl who comes every so often was limping behind her group. After the pieces were discovered, the map assembled, and the country identified I asked this girl why she was limping. She explained and I asked if she'd like it healed. She said yes, more because it was the "right answer" than because she believed it would happen.

I called her friend over, and told them a quick version of the story of the deaf woman in India who had her hearing restored (see the above scripture). We both laid hands on her leg and the girls automatically closed their eyes and bowed their heads.

"You don't have to do that. You can if you want, but really it's not that serious. Jesus said to do this, so we do it. It's not hard." I invoked the Name above all names, and commanded things to be as they should rather matter-of-factly. "Stand up."

Fortunately it takes faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains because she stood up like she thought it had gotten worse.

"How's it feel?" She paused to consider the question, stomped her foot on the ground and shouted something to the effect of, "That's amazing." Mustard seeds are very small, hallelujah.

two parties

First was Marianne's baby shower. Gifts, food, bingo ... the usual. We got some cultural tips from Jane about how Chinese women transport babies. Good stuff.


Then the 2nd Annual Ornament party in two shifts. First the Hobans then everyone else. It was a small gathering but the food was wonderful and the decorating was a success.

After the boys painted ornaments we foolishly left the paint on the floor. Despite their mother's constant warning to, "Don't run by the paint!" and "Stay away from the paint," Seany did this amazing tuck and roll that landed his butt right on the palet. He was not impressed with Timothy's efforts to clean his pants, nor could he account for what had happened. He must have blacked out or something.

Christmas Carols

December is just insane. Stop for a minute and look around (if you can do so without being mowed over) and it's craziness. I actually skipped the midweek service two days ago to pray and just spend time alone with my God.

I also took the liberty of making myself a Christmas CD. The Christmas radio stations just don't cut it for me; I get bored with the secular songs (which is half of the songs). I'm not trying to sound uber-spiritual, but it's true. If Jingle Bells gets you feeling jolly, then go with it, but to me it's just like any other song that's not about Jesus. Pointless.

I found some good stuff in the process, though. So if you're looking for Nativity music try these:




Christmas with Johnny Cash. I put "The Gifts They Gave" on my mix. Johnny Cash is just a great story teller. If you missed out on having a grandfather, get some Johnny Cash.









These guys have more soul in their little fingers ... and the harmonies are wonderful. I used Away in a Manger on my CD and I don't even like that song. This is a Christmas album, and if you really think about the title it makes sense.







Etta James. There are some secular songs on this album, I just used Silent Night. This woman's voice is amazing. All I want for Christmas is to be able to sing like Etta James.






Also noteworthy will be Hillsong's Celebrating Christmas. It's older Hillsong stuff, which I don't especailly dig, but O Rejoice is a beautiful song. Maybe just get on iTunes and spend a dollar on that one.

Ella Fitzgerald's Christmas is another must-have. Not to be confused with Ella Wishes You a Swinging Christmas. The former is about Jesus, the later is about snow.

Finally, a little plug for Unexpected Gifts. It's a comp featuring most of the radio-familiar Christian artists, but I found it via ZOEgirl's drum machine dance beat version of What Child is This?

If there's something really good that I'm missing, please let me know. Jeffy, any Christmas rap we should know about?

Oh wait. Speaking of iTunes ... If you're in the office and looking to stream some Christmas tunes search for Mountain Apple Company. It's free and it's Hawaiian Christmas Music. I kid you not. I'm listening to O Holy Night with a uke right now.

spider push-ups

Here we go. A Seany-short from last weekend. I'm not sure where he came up with the "spider push-ups," but my favorite part is about half-way through when he admits, "This hurts."

under my heel

I woke up yesterday morning with a demon at my beside screaming accusations against my husband. No one just wakes up in the morning angry at someone ... unless you went to bed angry with someone, which you shouldn't do anyway.

Timothy had gotten up early to take some of the guys from our youth ministry out to breakfast before school. I woke up and lay in bed for another 10 minutes listening to the accuser. I called Timothy so we could agree with our adversary and put the matter behind us, but he was still with the boys.

For the next half hour, as I hurredly showered and got ready for work, that imp tried to convince me not to call Timothy back, not to talk about it, just let it blow over. "You're making a big deal out of nothing again. If you say that to him he'll think you're accusing him and get offended and angry. Don't you trust him? If you trust him, you don't need to talk about it. It's really your fault anyway."


Timothy called just as I was leaving for work. He was relieved to talk about it; the Holy Spirit had already convicted him a little on the matter. It was easy, and the devil is under my heel.

two good things

My husband and I went on a date Saturday night. Whoa. This necessitates a couple of plugs:

First, Chef Peter's Bistro. That's right, spirit-filled, four-star food that you used to have to drive out to Marengo to get has come to Rt. 14 in Crystal Lake. O happy day. Chef and his family are dear friends of ours that we met when he hired me a couple years ago. Lovely people and dangerously delicious food. It's all from scratch, it's all wonderful. If you don't know where to begin, I recommend the garlic and artichoke pizza. Mmm.

Then we went to see The Nativity Story and I think I was on the brink of tears during the whole movie. Not sad tears, though, it was that's-so-unbelievably-amazing-and-I-love-it tears. As a film, you could tell the production was rushed: some sub-par CGI, and a couple obvious sets. I really appreciated the movie, though. It's always enlightening to see stories that you've read dozens of times; you understand things that you maybe didn't before.

Things I understand:
1. Zacharias was probably the first guy on earth to know the Messiah was soon coming.

2. The horror of being engaged and found pregnant. I knew, before, that Mary could have been stoned to death for leaving to visit Elizabeth and coming home pregnant. You get to see, though, how it affected her family, and poor Joseph! I have a whole new respect for Joseph. Can't wait to meet that guy someday.

3. In the film, they had to travel through Jerusalem to get to Bethlehem. I'm not sure if that's accurate, but when I saw it my thought was: Jesus' first and last trip to the holy city was on a donkey. That's one of the things you just have to love about Jesus: no loose ends.

There were some inaccuracies, mostly involving the "wise men," but all in all I say go see it. Oh, I was also so very glad that the producers didn't over-romanticize the relationship between Mary and Joseph as Hollywood is prone to do. *applause*

PS- Tami, I will post video of Seany. I will. I tried all weekend to get to Panera to no avail. In the meantime, everyone, click on the "my battle plan" link to the right and you can check out an awesome video by a Russian, Christian, hardcore band. That's right: Russian, Christian, and hardcore. Amazing.

revelation on Christmas

First of all, if you answered "Yes" to any of those rhetorical questions yesterday ... they were rhetorial and you weren't really supposed to answer them. Ha. But if you did, go here and listen to Revelations from Mount Sinai. That was almost creepy. I wonder if Brian Zahnd knows that the Lord uses him to deliver a message weeks ahead of time so it's posted online right when I need it. Because He does.

Really, what I'm kind of musing over lately is the birth of the Christ. I'm sure this comes as no surprise, given it's December. I've been going through Christmas songs - mostly old hymns, trying to figure out which ones are NOT in 6/8 time so we can rock 'em Friday night - for the youth worship team. Reading through a bunch of these lyrics, I think their authors had a revelation of the birth of Jesus that most Christians do not have. We set up nativities in our front yards and string colored lights around the house, but do we really have an understanding of the miracle that we celebrate?

Check out some of these lyrics. What Child is This? was always one of my favorite Christmas songs, but I like minor keys. Reading through the lyrics you can't help but catch the sense of awe that must have been present, and at the same time the relief that the Promise had come. O Holy Night has a similiar effect.

There were, I believe, 400 years that went by between the Old and New Testaments of your Bible. Four hundred years that are nothing to us today, because we only turn the page, but for 400 years (I hope it's 400 because I've said it three times now.) God's last word to his people was "curse." For 400 years God's people fell short of the requirements of the law and tried to hang on to a promise spoken by prophets long since passed away. I don't know what the life expectancy was 2000 years ago, but I imagine it was shorter than it is today; 400 years could have been six to eight generations. Imagine the despair that begins to settle into the spirit of a people striving to restore a lost relationship with their God, whom even their grandfathers have never seen or heard.

Now imagine you're a Jewish shepherd who has been taught from the Torah all your life. You can probably recite at least the first five books from memory. You know the prophecies, and an angels visits you one night to point out a star ... Or imagine you're a magi from eastern Asia with the dual understanding that the God if Israel is the only true God, and that you are not one of his chosen people. You know the Truth, and that you have no right to access it until you look up one night and see the star you've been waiting decades to see ... Let that really settle in your spirit and you could have written What Child Is This? too.

press on

Do you ever feel like you just cannot go on? Or that maybe you shouldn't? Or maybe you should go on, just not the same way you're going now ... Or maybe that's an escapism and you're just dealing with a willing spirit and weak flesh (Matt 26:41).

Do you ever feel like you're doing everything you can (and maybe too much because you're so tired that your daydreams go from Rome to one day alone in your apartment and seem just as wonderful), but doing nothing at the same time? How is that possible? It can't be because you're doing the wrong things because you have to pay rent somehow, and be faithful with little.

At the same time, have you ever just wanted to voluntarily and knowingly slip into compromise? I did a pretty good job yesterday using the wilderness temptation strategy (quote scripture at the devil), but its just all around you. Even at church, let's not kid ourselves.

Have you ever strayed so far from God that you were embarassed to come back? The story of the prodigal son can be your favorite metaphor in the Bible, but it doesn't make it easier. It makes it possible, but not easy. To even come back as a servant, knowing that He'll make you a son again ... Have you ever wanted to take a moment to weep at his feet for being so good and so merciful -- and had to wait until your lunch break to do it?

Have you ever really had a revelation of strength in your weakness? Do we focus more on "I am strong," or the prerequisite, "I am weak?" Have you ever really reconsiled yourself to being weak?

weak [week] -adjective
1. not strong; liable to yield; fragile; frail
2. lacking in bodily strength of healthy vigor, as from age or sickness
3. not having much political strength, governing power, or authority
4. lacking in force, potency, or efficacy
5. lacking in rhetorical or creative force or effectiveness
6. lacking in logical or legal force or soundness
7. deficient in mental power, intelligence, or judgment
8. deficient in amount, intensity
9. deficient in the essential or usual properties

When I admit I can do nothing in my own strenth - nothing that matters, nothing eternal - He becomes strong through my life by faith. I have to first accept that I'm weak, and stop trying to do it on my own. Ready, set, stop.

weekend without end

Wow what a weekend. I wanted to wait and put pictures up, but who on earth has time to upload pictures? Not me.

Friday was great. I got to speak at youth in Pastor Tim's absence and I'm told it went well. It didn't go how I planned, but I guess it's my fault for asking the Lord to hold my tongue when it should be held and speak when I should speak. Hopefully that's what happened. I know it led to some good alter ministry time, so I call that success. Also encouraging was Pastor's unintentional confirmation of my message Sunday morning. It was interesting, also, to worship from the floor on a Friday night instead of from a mic. I definately missed worship team, though. Definately.

Saturday was jam-packed. Timothy and I worked that morning (handing out flashing Santa hats to little kids - rough work), and then we had practice. I think I need to take more time to just thank God for the people he's given us for a youth worship team. Those guys are some of the most dedicated teenage boys I know, and they're good which is nice too. There are some things that need ironing out, but that's true of all of us. We hung out with the Hoban's for 20 minutes so I could work on a song with Tami (blessings on that woman, Lord, for all she does), and so Timothy could get Seany wound up. I may still post some of that video. That kid is just unreal.

Sunday was a great, great service: worship that had to be Holy Spirit-directed because otherwise people would have left (besides Dennis, who more or less left for a while anyway. Haha.), a challenging message, and wonderful alter ministry time.

Sometimes God can speak to you and its great because God spoke to you, but it's still good when God speaks that same thing through someone else. Reminding and confirming. I never really doubted the word when He spoke it directly to me, but I cried when Pastor said it again. All day I couldn't figure out why I'd cried like that. I've been very busy lately, and honestly it's put a slight damper on my passion for my Lord. I've been fighting condemnation over it at every turn. At the end of the thing I think I cried - wept - not because I needed a reminder or a confirmation, but because He's serious about me. I am important to the King of heaven. You know that, and I "knew" that, but ... words can't describe.

As I was sitting on the floor crying, little Sammy Johnson (I think he's three) walked around in front of me, asked why I was crying, and gave me a hug. It's amazing what a hug from a concerned toddler can do. After church we went sledding with a small group from Switch, but not for long because it was freezing cold. Pics pending. Then I went with my dad to find a little, no-one-loves-me Christmas tree. It's so cute. Sunday night was the worship team Christmas party, which was just too fun.

And I'm done.

snow

It's snowing. It took me an hour to complete my normal 30 minute commute this morning. On the way I saw 11 cars in snow drifts, and another two just stopped on the side of the road with hazards on.

My car learned a new trick yesterday (the first time it really got below freezing) that involves not letting me in. The lock on the driver's side door refuses to budget. Yesterday at lunch I was fighting it when one of my co-workers came back from her break.

"Is your lock frozen?"
"I think so."
"Try heating up your key."
"How?"
"With a lighter."
"A lighter?"
"Ya."
"Peggy, do you have a lighter?"
"No."
"And why not?"
"Well I don't smoke or anything."
"Do I smoke?"
"No."
"Then why would I have a lighter?! I don't have a lighter."

Our church organized a men's retreat for this weekend. Pray the roads get cleared so they can go; I know a lot of them will be blessed if they can go. Our youth meeting is on tonight as far as I know, so pray for safe travel too please.

preach it

Graham Jones blessed us again last night before moving on to revive and encourage another body of believers in the U.S. (That's not Graham, by the way, that's his daughter. She's cuter than Graham.) Some of my notes:

He talked about building a culture of revival. Preparing a people so when revival hits we (first) recognize it and (second) are able to sustain it. That was cool because we talked about that very thing recently at a meeting of the musicians over fried food. Good to know it wasn't just the calamari talking. (Because that would have been creepy ... haha. I'm stopping ... but laughing at my own bad joke anyway.)

My favorite part was this little, mind blowing revelation about the man with the demon-possessed son. Read. I always read that (and heard other people teach that) as though that particular demon only came out by prayer and fasting. Graham explained he has a different theory. Jesus isn't talking about the demon in verse 20, so it's odd to think He would have jumped back to it without clarifying in the next verse ... He's not schizophrenic. Graham proposed that Jesus was talking about "this kind" of unbelief - since He's talking about unbelief - only comes out through prayer and fasting. That makes so much sense, and just exploded a little something in my head when he said it.

Also neat: The last word of the Old Testament is "curse." The first word of Jesus' first sermon is, "blessed." My buddy, Titus, is reading his Bible cover to cover. He was telling me last night that he's in Micah now and is really excited because he can "almost see the red letters." I think sometimes we don't realize the full measure of the blessing and grace that was poured out on the earth through the life, death, and resurrection of Christ because we never really lived in the Old Covenant system. We become believers and step right into the better covenant.

It was fun, too, because He's been speaking to me a bit about the beatitudes. I think it's time to perhaps do a little more study.

PS- I'm speaking to the youth tomorrow night. Please keep us in your prayers.

humility?

I've been praying for a humble spirit, really only for a few days but I think it's one of those prayers that the Lord just jumps on. It's starting to hit me in my prayer time, and I'm almost not sure how to deal with it.

Yesterday morning, for example, it was really hard to even bring myself before the Lord at all. I sat down in front of the couch like I always do and was suddenly aware of how completely holy He is, and how completely holy I am not. I had all the right scripture in my head about coming boldly before the throne, and His dying while I was a sinner, the grace of His blood shed, etc. It still took me a little while to get in there, although I can honestly say I did not fall into condemnation in the process.

This morning was worse because I was thinking about yesterday. Still feeling very unworthy, but at the same time knowing by experience that He wants to be with me anyway.

What do you do? You can't love Him back enough. You can't do anything to earn or deserve His love. At the same time that's not an excuse to backslide and give up, because the last thing you want to do is break His heart that way. I'm hedged in.

Christmas music

Why is every Christian Christmas song (which should be redundant, but it's not) slow and quiet? Isn't this a celebration of the night that hope finally entered the world? Aren't we remembering the night that began our escape from eternal damnation? Doesn't Christmas commemorate the moment in time when the God of heaven and earth disrobed Himself of the glory of the eternal throne room, and forever adopted the physical form of a man just so he could suffer and die for love? And aren't we the rescued? The redeemed? The saved? The beloved He came for? Aren't we excited about this? Songwriters aren't, evidently; songwriters are excited about Santa Clause.

Why do they all sound like lullabies? I read through the lyrics of Away in a Manger recently and decided it's a bad song. It might be a classic, but it's a bad classic. It's like we're trying to sing baby Jesus to sleep year, after year, after year. First of all, He's not a baby anymore, and even when He was - physically - a newborn, He wasn't a newborn you pass around to aunties. He was a newborn you bring expensive gifts to and worship. He was a newborn with a plan to defeat all the forces of hell.

Such is the plight of a youth worship leader trying to find a whole set of Christmas songs that won't bore Jr. High students to death. Or worship leaders. I can handle a few, but this is supposed to be exciting, right?

long time ...

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving weekend. Let's see how quickly I can catch you up:

We spent some quality time with Jeff and Bianca. Mini-Bianca has a new trick:


Timothy's twin brother Joe announced at Thanksgiving that he's getting married. Congratulations, Joe.

We adopted a new bass amp. The thing's a beast. "Bought" doesn't really do it justice. One review we read complimented its durability by proposing that if you drop the thing out of a 4th story window it'll crack the sidewalk.


I was thinking of all the things we could use it for around the apartment:
> Coffee table
> Kitchen chair
> Computer table
This is me and amp bonding:



Other than that we're back to work and trying not to think about it. Christmas is coming and I'm trying to convince Timothy that Christmas trees aren't pagan anymore because I went out with my parents to get their tree and fell in love with every little, half-bare, crooked, "Charlie Brown Christmas tree" in the lot. Due to droughts in recent summers past, there were several.

Oh, and Graham Jones is in the house. He brought his family all the way from France this time, and his small children wanted to know yesterday why everyone was speaking English. Talk about jet lag. Ha. Graham's awesome: if you're in the northern Chicago land area you're going to want to be at Church in the Word on Wednesday night at 7 p.m.!

And I'm done. Perhaps there will be more substance tomorrow.

deal

I know, I know - this is completely lame: I'm blogging someone else's blog, but its good darn it. Really, I'm doing this for you, because if you're not regularly reading Pastor Zahnd's blog (you should be) you'd miss this ... and I just don't have anything else to offer you this morning.

Brian Zahnd takes a group from his church to Isreal every year. They head home today, but he's been blogging from the holy land (the pictures are breathtaking). The post today is amazing. I admit it: I got choked up; I got teary-eyed. Alright? A snippet:

Let us return to the garden where Jesus had been laid in the tomb:

"But Mary Magdalene stood outside the tomb weeping, and as she wept she stooped down and looked into the tomb. And she saw two angels in white sitting one at the head and the other at the feet where the body of Jesus had been." ~John 20:11-12

Do you know what Mary Magdalene is seeing as she sees two angels sitting where the body of Jesus had been?

She is seeing the new mercy seat. In the Old Covenant the mercy seat was the solid gold lid on the top of the Ark of the Covenant which received the blood of atonement and was covered by the wings of the cherubim at each end. The angels sitting at the head and feet of where the body of Jesus had lain signify that Jesus Himself is the new mercy seat of the new covenant!

That was a revelation to me, anyway. There's an absolutely wonderful quote from G.K. Chesterton too, but I'm not going to bite Brian's blog anymore. You'll have to check it out yourself.

kindred spirit

Kelly called me last night ... from Crystal Lake! Hooray. I left immediately for Starbucks.

Some friends you need to see several times a week or the friendship would quickly become an acquaintance. Some friends it seems the Lord saves for just the right moments, and there doesn't need to be anything else - like the relationship has been divinly established and time is not necessary to maintain it.

We both unloaded some burdens - because sometimes you need someone who understands, but is not involved in a situation to really listen (or really get you to hear what the Lord would say about it). We encouraged, exorted, theologized (I just made that up), and rebuked each other in and by the Lord. We prayed for a while in my car. She never once asked when Timothy and I are going to have kids. I want all of my "hang out" time to look like that: Bible open on the table, conversation centered around the eternal, and some good prayer.

[no title]

I really wanted to log on today and be uplifting and encouraging, but I'm burdened and I'm dying and I can't pretend.

Of course it's good to be burdened and dying, but there's really nothing inspirational I can think to write about it.

I'm absolutely burdened for the teenagers in my life. I thought I'd been burdened for something before because there was this violent desperation in my spirit for a couple of days. That's not a burden; that's a backpack. I can't stop thinking about the youth leader meeting we had last Friday night, or the kids and the circumstances that came up, or the ones I'm directly involved with/responsible for to some extent ... What can I do? What can I absolutely NOT do? How do I pray about this? I don't know that I have ever prayed so fervently for anything - even things and people that, in the natural, seem like they should be much closer to my heart.

I'm reading Rees Howells' story and dying in the process. I was reading before service Sunday morning about the amazing financial sacrifice the Lord asked of him (Rees was told not to ask for a need he could fulfill himself. All that Rees had became God's, so if someone needed finances and Rees had enough, he was to give before he asked for the Lord's help.) It felt as though my spirit stretched absolutely outside of me to try to get at something like that, but I didn't say anything - not even a silent prayer. At the end of the service the Holy Spirit asked for an extravagent offering. He practically laughed off the first argument that rose up in my heart ("How will we pay bills this month?"), and silenced the second ("We're trying to save something for a house someday.") with a poignant question: "If I asked you to live out the rest of your days in that little apartment and give all of your surplus, would you do it?" Ouch. Fine.

So that's how I'm doing. I'm burdened in one arena and dying in another. Hallelujah.

this means war

So we went to ATF and they talked and talked and talked about the spiritual war going on. I knew that. It is a frequent reference of mine in my time with the Lord. I'm on board with the "war" mentality. Or so I thought.

I started Rees Howells' biography (Intercessor - still highly recommending it). The Lord used this guy to pray out His plan, and actually shape the course of World War II. Rees' entire life story is pretty riviting, but if someone asks who Rees Howells was, the common short answer is, "This amazing intercessor who was used by God to determine the events/outcome of WWII."

Friday night I started reading Battle Cry for a Generation, by Ron Luce (the guy who heads up Teen Mania ... the ministry that brings you ATF and Battle Cry events). They really promoted the book at ATF, but I wasn't really going to read it because ... well I've got a bunch to read right now. Then, after our youth ministry meeting Friday night, Tim just handed them out and said, "Please read this." Luce's initial reference - and throughout at least the first five chapters, his most frequent - is World War II. Hmm.

It's not going to take me two weeks to get it this time. I get it. I'm in. It's going to be huge - are we ready? I'm convinced the next two years are crucial. Luce would tell you the next five (because in five years the largest generation this country has ever seen will be out of their impressionable teenage years, and will have become the force governing the most powerful nation in the world), but I'm planning on two. If it's five, fine; plan for two just in case.

2 Kings 13:14-20//Elisha had become sick with the illness of which he would die. Then Joash the king of Israel came down to him, and wept over his face, and said, "O my father, my father, the chariots of Israel and their horsemen!" And Elisha said to him, "Take a bow and some arrows" So he took himself a bow and some arrows... And he said to the king of Israel, "Strike the ground;" so he struck three times, and stopped. And the man of God was angry with him, and said, "You should have struck five or six times; then you would have struck Syria till you had destroyed it! But now you will strike Syria only three times." Then Elisha died, and they buried him. And the raiding bands from Moab invaded the land in the spring of the year.

jealous

So I started Rees Howell's biography - against my better judgement - and I've read five chapters since last night. I'm completely jealous. So completely jealous. Not even in a cute way - in a try-not-to-be-outright-angry-with-God way.

This man saw Jesus resurrected. He understood the language of Revelation because he experienced a similar thing. Then, then, before he's even Spirit-filled he has this five-day meeting with the Person the Holy Spirit (Satan even made a subtle appearance at this thing). I tell you it's one of the most amazing suspense stories I've ever read and it probably wasn't 10 pages long. You know when I was learning about the baptism in the Spirit I had to hear about it from men; Rees got a private conference with the Man.

I realize that with a greater annointing comes greater responsibility and all that, but right now I'm just blindly jealous. (It is, actually, and amazing story of the Holy Spirit walking him through sacrificing every fiber of his being. I'm only on chapter six, but I highly recommend it.) Not that there's anything wrong with responsibility if you take care of it ... but I'm going to go ahead and put my foot in my mouth right here.

So why didn't I get a week long private audience when He wanted me to pray, huh? Because I tell you what: that would have catapulted me into this thing much more efficiently than two weeks of nagging reminders.

I'm jealous. (It's okay, though, because He's even more jealous for me.)

i get it!

It's great (and sometimes irritating to the flesh, if I can just be perfectly honest) when the Lord is really trying to communicate something to you. Of course, the Lord probably shouldn't have to really try to communicate something to me, because I should just listen and hop on board the first time. That was an epiphany right there.

Last Sunday Tim handed us a sermon CD from when Jay Fallon spoke at faith week last March. Title: The Power of Being with Him. Conviction confirmed.

A week ago yesterday Pastor gave a wonderful message on how NOT to respond to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Conviction corrected.

Monday night I had my trying time with the Holy Spirit and painfully worked some things out of my heart. Conviction ceded.

Yesterday afternoon I listened to a message titled Christ Followers by Shea Strickland at Word of Life Church. Conviction combusted.

Last night Pastor touched on the issue of subtle rebellion and how it prevents the Holy Spirit from working in our lives. (And in case you weren't there last night - this Sunday's going to be a "humdinger" of a service - that's a direct quote. I recommend a lot of repentance between now and then, and make sure you come Sunday morning with a teachable spirit.) Conviction conspicuous.

I got up early again this morning to pray. I was doing it and then I slacked off, but I'm back. I repented a lot myself. I finally finished David Brainerd's diaries, and now the book that's next to my Bible in my messenger bag is Rees Howells' biography subtitled: Intercessor. I'm afraid to crack the cover ... seriously.

Is this anyone else? I'm sure it's not just me the Lord is calling into a deeper place of prayer and intimacy in this hour. Anyone?

eat steak

We got into a really deep conversation on the way home from practice last night about vegetarianism and steak and food in heaven. The question then became, "Is there steak in heaven?" Spiritual beings vs. manna vs. the banquet vs. "food you know not of" etc. The only conclusion we came to was, "If there is it's good and if there's not you won't miss it."

My favorite part of the conversation, though, was a comment that went something like, "Okay, so you know God's glory is just radiating everywhere?! I bet if there's steak in heaven God's glory just cooks it! And then it's got to be perfect because, I mean, it's cooked by the glory of God!" I hadn't ever considered that the lightning that proceeds from the throne does so in microwaves, but who really knows?

(And if you were looking for something spiritual, I recommend Brian Zahnd's latest blog entry. It's phenominal. I love the implication in the last paragraph about Roman's road.)

heart of stone or flesh?

Lamentations 3:22-24// Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

I had a rather trying time with the Lord last night, confessing some of those really deep things that no one else sees. It's easier to say, "Lord, I did this and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry." than to say, "Lord, I am this way, my heart believes these things, and I want to change; I will change, and I'll start right now."

It was Jesus vs. my heart, really. The complication here is that I am responsible for my heart, and my heart is wickedly decietful. Jesus knows the secrets of my heart better than I do, but I cannot voluntarily lay my heart on His alter unless I know what I'm laying down. If you brought a dog to an Old Testament priest for a peace offering he'd tell you the dog won't cut it and send the two of you home. Maybe it was really me vs. my heart, then, as I tried desperately to dig out and uproot my deeper motives and convictions.

For example I think it's absolutely possible to fake a certain amount of passion. Am I passionate? I can write and speak passionately, but does that make me passionate? I want to die to myself so Christ can really live in me, so I can really be used of God but why? Is it really to see His kingdom come, or is it because I'm a human being who is naturally attracted to power? If I had to die to myself so someone else could be used mightily of God, would I do it? Do I strive to live as a good Christian so Jesus will be proud of me, or so my church leadership will be proud of me? I'm not sure, to be completely honest, because doing it 99% for Jesus and 1% in case Jay Fallon comes back is not good enough.

By the time I finally went to bed last night I think I was in a good place with the Lord. Hallelujah that His mercies and His compassions are new every morning.

we adopted

This is Sreemonta. I really want to adopt from India, and I think this is as close as we'll ever get (India wants you to prove infertility as an adoption requirement, and I'm not infertile.)

Compassion International had a table set up at ATF. There were probably 30 8 1/2 x 5 1/2" clear plastic envelopes with pictures of cute kids on them - how could I not stop and browse? Of course if you stop and look, it does a little tug on your heart (because that's what it's supposed to do). I stood there and thought to myself, "Alright, if there's one in India." There was ... one. I was sure if I'd asked for two there would have been two.

I did a little homework too, because I'm paranoid about "charities" that use pictures of cute kids to fund the organizer's lifestyles. Maybe "paranoid" is the wrong word: I'm aware that they exist and refuse to have any part in them. I've heard it said that if you give out of a kind, compassionate heart it doesn't matter what the organization does with the money, really, because you've done the best you can. Bull. With such wonderful resources as Charity Navigator it's my opinion that you are responsible for taking 10 minutes to find out what's happening with your finances.

But Compassion International checks out. For $32/month the kid gets an education, a balanced diet, medicine if needed, basic necessities like shoes, and (best of all) a Bible eductation. They work through local churches, so it's all done in the name of Jesus, not Compassion International. I dig it. I wrote our first letter to Sreemonta yesterday.

as i was saying

ATF was a good time. It definately sparked something in our youth, and I pray and pray that it continues to burn in them. It's easy to get excited with a couple thousand of your peers who agree with you, but its hard to maintain that day to day in public schools. I'm confident that same thing is on our youth pastor's heart, so we're working toward that end.

The best part about ATF - for me - was the encouragement I found in the Holy Spirit. I know this is where I'm supposed to be right now, and I have a divine new focus on it. That sounds like, "Oh good, it's good when the Lord encourages us that we're in the right place. Dum de dum." I tell you, though, it was (as the song puts it) like water to my soul - like I could suddenly breathe and I didn't realize I was suffocating. I can't explain the relief I've enjoyed these past days.

I'd been in such a turmoil about being really unhappy at my job, but it pays well so what do you do? I love the youth and I love the worship team, but I have an apartment a husband and a full-time job to look after too so that there isn't a moment I don't have three things to do so what do you do? In my desperation to spend some time with my Lord I have an expensive computer program I still don't know how to use and a sewing machine that's still in the box, so what do you do? I was a little overwhelmed and a lot lost, but He spoke to me last weekend and assured me that He wants me with the youth right now. It was like one of my godfather's bear hugs that wrap you up so completely and so tight that you feel like nothing bad can get to you there. "You're doing fine, and you're in the right ministry right now. I'll move you when I want you to move. I'd like to see you more often, and all these things will be added unto you. Relax." *sigh*

So my focus is Him and His kids. Yes I have to work at this job for a little while more because life causes bills, but He has a plan and I'll be out of here as soon as that plan allows. (In the meantime, if this is the plan its the best place I can be no matter how terrible it seems.) Yes there are other things I have to take care of at the same time, but now I can see that I do what I have to do so my priority can be loving Him and loving this ministry.

prepare your hearts

Voters Reject South Dakota Abortion Ban

In a ... setback for conservatives, South Dakota rejected a law that would have banned virtually all abortions ...

Nationwide, a total of 205 measures were on the ballots Tuesday in 37 states, but none had riveted political activists across the country like the South Dakota measure. Passed overwhelmingly by the legislature earlier this year, it would have been the toughest abortion law in the nation, allowing the procedure only to save a pregnant woman's life.

The whole story is here. I'll be checking Bound4Life all day too, waiting to hear from Lou. There's going to be hell to pay for this in the next few years. Pray, pray, pray.

Deuteronomy 9:13//You must purge from Israel the guilt of shedding innocent blood, so that it may go well with you.

Luke 11:23//He who is not with Me is against Me, and he who does not gather with Me scatters. (Jesus likes babies, by the way ... alive.)

I don't even have anything intelligent to write that I haven't already written once. I'm just dumbfounded. In an hour when our enemies are becoming more and more powerful, we are more and more foresaking the only One who can protect and keep us. And then when it happens America will turn and blame "god."

It is making the Bible more alive, though. Sometimes I read Exodus and wonder how Israel can constantly rebel and gripe against the Lord despite all His provision and mercy, but here we have it. I read Jeremiah and wonder how these kings constantly reject God's warning and mercy, but its right in front of me now. Sometimes I read through Revelation and other accounts of His return and wonder how in the world anyone will be able to hate Him to His glorious face, but I can see it starting already. Pray, pray, pray.

election day

... did you?

"Always vote for principle, though you may vote alone, and you may cherish the sweetest reflection that your vote is never lost." - John Quincy Adams

ammo

We took about 20 students from our youth ministry to the Aquire the Fire conference in Chicago last weekend. More about the event and our kids tomorrow, but here are some interesting things I learned:

//1 in 11 teenagers attempts suicide each year, and each year about 2000 succeed.

//40% of teenagers have experimented with self-mutilation.

//1 in 10 high school girls have been raped.

//By the time the average child graduates from high school, he/she will have watched 19,000 hours of TV including about 200,000 sexual acts and 1 million acts of violence.

//40% of "born again" teens believe Jesus sinned.

//90% of teenagers have been subject to pop-up porn while doing homework online.

//240,000 teenagers get pregnant in America each year, and 1/3 of those preganacies end in abortion.

Why? Because sex sells. This generation of teenagers is the largest our nation has ever seen, and they have more disposable income than any that has gone before. They're looking for an identity and a purpose (like every other teenager in the world), and MTV made $1 billion dollars last year selling them an identity that's easy to conform to.

More importantly, because the church is not providing an alternative. Most churches don't really value their youth ministries at all (not at CITW, though!); we had a room full of over 100 youth pastors and leaders, and the vast, vast majority of them are working on a 100% volunteer basis. Most youth ministries are completely under-funded. Most Sunday morning services are boring, and completely unapplicable to teenage lives. There's no passion in the church, and I know of my own peers (the now 20-somethings) that if it wasn't worth dying for we weren't really interested.

Are we living examples of the adventure it is to live a true Christian lifestyle? Are we passionate enough about our King to inspire that passion in people who are literally dying for something to be passionate about? If not, we don't really have any right to complain 20 years down the road when America starts to look a lot like Europe is looking.

state of us

Timothy left this morning to experience Reinhard Bonnke at Word of Life Church's 25th anniversary in St. Joseph, Missouri. He's driving (it's almost nine hours) with his twin brother, Joe, whom he has never really had a relationship with. I'm excited - he's excited too - and praying that 18 hours of driving (with no CD player in the car) will be a time of healing and restoration for both of them.

And for me I'm just praying for time. I think I spent less than an hour alone with my Lord yesterday, and that kills me. I know there are bigger and better things for me than what I am currently experiencing, and deeper caverns of His heart that I can be familiar with. I'm sure there is more for me to do and be and understand, and I just hope I'm not behind. I don't want to be late and I don't want to miss anything, but it seems impossible right now: 45 hour work week, two worship teams, an apartment and husband to take care of ... I can do all things through Christ, right? Maybe I can just quit sleeping.

youth on the move

I read this yesterday on the Battle Cry website, and smiled. This was a youth group in Florida:

As Caite tells the story:

One person at a time we went into Victoria Secret, saying "Hey! These posters really offend us. Can you please take them down?"

Of course their first reaction was, "No!! Get out of our store."

But we did not give up! After the 30th person went in there, they were getting kind of angry. You could see their faces change as they stood there.

So we all prayed hardcore! Asking God to give us strength as we went in there all together. After praying, all 30 of us went into Victoria Secret and we said "These posters offend all of us! Please take them down!"

Then all of a sudden there was a sense of peace in the room.

THEY TOOK DOWN THE POSTERS!!

It's good to know that there are teenagers out there willing to take a stand even if the world thinks its silly.