Lamentations 3:22-24// Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
I had a rather trying time with the Lord last night, confessing some of those really deep things that no one else sees. It's easier to say, "Lord, I did this and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry." than to say, "Lord, I am this way, my heart believes these things, and I want to change; I will change, and I'll start right now."
It was Jesus vs. my heart, really. The complication here is that I am responsible for my heart, and my heart is wickedly decietful. Jesus knows the secrets of my heart better than I do, but I cannot voluntarily lay my heart on His alter unless I know what I'm laying down. If you brought a dog to an Old Testament priest for a peace offering he'd tell you the dog won't cut it and send the two of you home. Maybe it was really me vs. my heart, then, as I tried desperately to dig out and uproot my deeper motives and convictions.
For example I think it's absolutely possible to fake a certain amount of passion. Am I passionate? I can write and speak passionately, but does that make me passionate? I want to die to myself so Christ can really live in me, so I can really be used of God but why? Is it really to see His kingdom come, or is it because I'm a human being who is naturally attracted to power? If I had to die to myself so someone else could be used mightily of God, would I do it? Do I strive to live as a good Christian so Jesus will be proud of me, or so my church leadership will be proud of me? I'm not sure, to be completely honest, because doing it 99% for Jesus and 1% in case Jay Fallon comes back is not good enough.
By the time I finally went to bed last night I think I was in a good place with the Lord. Hallelujah that His mercies and His compassions are new every morning.