testing, testing ... is this thing obedient?

Obedience is better than sacrifice. Better than tithes. Better than financial offerings. Better than volunteering my every spare moment.

Three lessons in obedience in the past couple days.

One
During worship Friday night I was supposed to wait longer. I was supposed to encourage anyone there who did not yet speak in tongues, but wanted to, to trust God and open their mouths and speak. I was supposed to make a way, and I didn't. I found out later who it was for and repented. I pray that one will come back again, and that that gift will be received soon.

Nothing that I sacrificed - my time, finances, effort, passions - measure up to what I lost in that moment of disobedience because 24 hours later someone should be praying in the Spirit and she's not. I'm forgiven, sure, but that doesn't mean there aren't consequences.

Two
I really want to write a book about my experiences in Missouri in 2001. My freshman year of college and Pancake City. I've got stories for a book and, I believe, the ability to write them well. I think it would be really good. I got really, really excited about it. Four pages are done and saved on my hard drive right now.

But it in no way glorifies God. I've reasoned with my spirit that if it were wildly successful it could launch the writing career I've been secretly praying for and everything thereafter certainly would glorify God. I've reasoned that should some success come from it, I would make every effort to point back to Jesus. I've reasoned that if some profit came from it, I'd obviously tithe and then some.

But if writing is a gift, it's from God and it's meant for His glory alone. Not mine. Not Pancake City's. Do I want to glorify God with my talent, or become successful according to the world?

"What if I don't want you to be a successful writer?" He asked me that yesterday. Now, I believe that He wants me to use whatever gift He's put inside of me, and I believe He wants me to do well. But I still struggle with the hypothetical. What if? What if that's not what He wants me to do? Am I okay with that? Am I willing to walk away because He says so? How obedient am I?

Three
What if God asks you to break the rules? Not the law. Not His rules. My rules. What if I make a rule about qualifications for a position, a good rule, and He makes an exception? What if there's something bigger that He wants to do in or through someone and it requires breaking one of my rules?

Can I stand against criticisms (not from anyone in authority over me, because that's rebellion and that's different)? Can I stand before accusations of hypocrisy and do what He wants me to do? Where I've established excellence, can I sacrifice my reputation?


I think I've come to terms very recently with the last one. Number two is still really hurting me. I covet your prayers on that front.

There's more on this, but I'll save it for another day lest this become a novel.

1 Samuel 15:22b-23a//Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, And stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.

lessons from the garden, chapter 2

"Waiting."

1. A seed has to take root before it can show up above ground. Every day for the first week I check and double-check my rows and nothing. I know I did everything right, though, so I wait. And wait. And wait. And then one morning:


2. Clearing one problem will often make room for another one. We removed a lot of grass and the ants where very thankful. In no time, the patch of dirt destined to be a lush, fruitful garden was crawling with ants. Overcoming fear may open a door for pride. Overcoming pride may open a door for false humility (which is pride).

(And beware the counter-attack. I literally blasted a swarm of ants out of the garden and days later cannot keep them out of the kitchen sink.)

3. Weeding is tricky while you're waiting for a seed to grow. Some things are obviously weeds, but some are harder to tell. Especially if you're growing something new and you're not familiar with what the seedling looks like. As much as you want to pull out the weeds while they're small, sometimes you have to let them grow until you know for sure what you're pulling.

Weeding at this point becomes not fun really quickly. It starts out as a relaxing exercise, and a good excuse to put on shorts and be in the sunshine. With a lot of dirt and little actual crop sprouting, though, it gets tiresome in short order. You start to wonder why weeds grow so easily and crops take their time.

4. Draw your battle lines and defend them to the death (of the grass). Carving out a rough rectangle of dirt is good, but it helps immensely to clearly draw the lines. Timothy hauled some pieces from another part of the yard over to outline the garden a couple days ago. Not only does it look better, I now know where the grass is supposed to be and where it's not. I don't have to worry about getting carried away and killing too much grass around the edge, and I don't have an excuse to get lazy and let the grass slowly creep back in.

Draw your battle lines. Write them down. Post them on your mirror or fridge and hold the line like you would in a war. Because you're in a war. Timothy and I do not watch R-rated movies unless the rating is only for war-related violence. That's one of our lines. There have been movies that we really wanted to see, but we hold the line. We start with a 10% tithe and round up every month. There have been months that have been really, really hard to round up, but it's one of our battle lines.

5. Finally, remember that it's by faith and patience that we inherit the promises. Translation: when you've done all you can do, take a nap.

what fun

Some fun stuff for you:

Bored with Google? Viewzi is a pretty sweet new search engine. I really dig the Screen Shot view. My only gripe is that it's not quite as fast.

I saw this ad recently that really inspired me. The top of the page says "Imagine a president who stands for this." It then quotes Matthew 25:35-36. I was excited. I went to the website. I am now infuriated. What a scam.

This is a sweet shot of a tornado by a woman in Orchard, IA:


Kiva is a cool organization that links you to entrepreneurs in developing countries. You make short-term (about six month) "micro loans" to help them get their businesses off the ground, and they pay you back. (And then you loan your $25 to someone else.) Pretty cool.

The Jesus film is going anime:



Apparently the old film is visually outdated. Remaking the whole film, however, means re-translating it into something like a million languages. This way they can use the same audio. Watch the clip and then take the survey to help them out.

I want some of these.

And there's this cool website that makes word clouds for you. You pick the font, general layout, and a color scheme. Below are two I made (in about 30 seconds). The first is Revelation 4 and the second is the Sermon on the Mount. Cool.

in God we trust?

Here's a thought that I had ... while gardening (although it has nothing to do with gardening, that's tomorrow).

Christians like to adamantly defend the phrase "In God We Trust" on U.S. currency. We got all upset when we thought it wasn't on the new dollar coins. We say passionate things like, "When they take 'In God We Trust' off the money, I'm moving out of the country." (Which is strange to say anyway, because which country would you move to? No other nation that I know of has "In God We Trust" on their money, so the grass isn't really greener anywhere else is it?)

Why?

We want our country to recognize our God, sure. We want to ... what? ... honor God by "trusting" Him, in print, on our monies?

I wonder if God wants to be on our money.

Hear me out.

When you take a fifth grade class on a field trip, you sometimes put them all in the same shirt - with the school's name on it - so you can pick them out of a crowded museum. Or when a high school jazz band goes to compete, they're all wearing their school name. What do the teachers always tell them? They're supposed to not only fulfill the purpose of the day (attend the museum, do well at the competition, etc.), but they're supposed to be on their best behavior. Why? Because they are representing your school.

Similar phenomenon when Christians do silly things that are contrary to the word of God - like protest the funerals of homosexuals or military persons. They stand there in the name of Christianity, spewing hatred and all things not Christ-like, and I don't know about you but it irritates me. Because by association they are making me look bad. Non-Christians in this country think Christians are judgmental and hypocritical more than anything else.

So I wonder about God. I wonder if He looks at the United States of America as a collective body and sees

• The remorseless killing of 4000 babies every day
• Adultery that's as prevalent in the Church as without
• A pornography industry that makes more money than four major sports franchises combined
• The legalization of homosexual marriage

The list goes on and on. There are good things happening, sure, and I have faith that the nation as a whole can repent and turn back to God if it chooses, but in the meantime I wonder if God wants us wearing His name while we behave like this in front of the rest of creation. Isn't that kind of insulting? Hypocritical? Disrespectful?

Obviously, the best solution would be to get the laws of our land back to a place that honor God, but given scores of prophecies about the last days ... I mean I hate to be negative, but ...

lessons from the garden, chapter 1

"Preparing the Soil"

My mom used to have a cute little wall hanging in her house that said, "I'm closer to God in my garden than anywhere else on earth." (If you started to make a theological argument in your head when you read that, you need to take a deep breath before reading further.)

I (dramatic pause) have a garden. My dad killed a patch of grass in our back yard, and last Saturday my wonderful husband tilled it up. I've had many blissful hours since then in the patch of dirt that was left behind.

And you know how it is hanging out with Jesus: everything becomes an object lesson. So here we go.

Well, wait. Before we begin allow me to explain some Christian jargon to any non-Christians who may be reading. Jesus liked to compare the Word of God (the written one and the words Jesus spoke day after day) to a seed. Because He's good with analogies, He, then, commonly referred to our hearts as the soil said seed was planted in to bring forth gorgeous plants and delicious foods (i.e. peace, love, joy, kindness, patience, etc.). K? So there's an unspoken moral to this silliness.

Here we go. What I learned about myself while starting a garden:

1. It's much harder to start a new garden than to start a new season in the garden that my mom has been cultivating for years. A lot harder, and for obvious reasons.

2. It's impossible to till up live grass. It's simply too resilient. Sometimes things are perfectly normal and perfectly fine need to die so you can get to good soil.

3. It's still hard to till up dead grass. God bless my wonderful husband. He tilled and raked and tilled and raked and then I think tilled a third time. Just getting to fresh soil, where a seed can be safely planted, is half the battle.

And it needs to be done way ahead of time. You can't chose the day you want to plant and go out that day to kill the grass. The grass took a week to die and tilling it up took most of the morning. If the soil hadn't been prepared ahead of time, the seed wouldn't grow.

4. Doing your best means you will get dirty. Despite all the labor that had already gone into it, I spent a day and a half on my knees, digging up the dirt with my hands and a small garden spade. The garden might have grown alright if I hadn't, but I really got down to the good dirt.


5. Purity is key/anything can be a weed. If I say "weed" you think - well, alright, some of you think of drugs but past that - of dandelions and thistles. In a cultivated garden, though, anything besides what is planted is a weed. The grass that was normal - even necessary - a few weeks ago is now a weed, so all of it has to come out lest it spread ... like a weed.

6. You have to tend the whole thing. My strategy was to dig up a two-foot wide strip and then plant something, and then dig up the next two feet and plant something. Each thin row of seed needs to be a foot to a foot-and-a-half apart.

After a couple rows the temptation was to leave the soil between the rows and just dig up and purify the thin strip where I was going to plant. I thought about it for a minute and then realized that if I don't take care of the soil between the rows, whatever is still rooted there will grow up and I'll have to deal with it later. Later, however, it will have recovered from three tillings and be more rooted and I'll have to be more careful not to kill the veggies growing next to it.

7. Know your enemies and show no mercy. Earthworms are not your enemies. Quite the contrary. Earthworms aerate the soil and plants like aerated soil. Earthworms are you friends. Beetle larvae, however, are not your friends. They will eventually become beetles and likely eat your veggies. The earthworms I was careful to spare. The beetle larvae I threw into the street.

There you go. I'm sure there will be more lessons as things start to grow and harvesting kicks in. I know, I know, you're on the edge of your seat but you'll just have to wait.

warning

It's been almost a week and the wake left by whatever tore through our neighborhood last Thursday morning is still obvious.

Across the street, our neighbors' fence is still in shambles. A dozen yard waste bags stand at attention along the curb, and the stump near the street is still fresh.

At the other end of the block, someone's tree remains obviously amputated and ashamed next to the porch it accidentally destroyed. It's future is uncertain. Part of the roof is still missing, and logs line the street for the width of the block.

Windshields have been replaced. Gutters are being repaired, and every day when I come home I stare up at the dead branch hanging precariously at the very top of our injured tree. I'd rather it fall when no one is around than have to pay someone to pull it down.

My parents live in McHenry - a good 30 minutes north - and we laughed about their non-response to the tornado siren that went off Thursday morning. They live blocks away from the fire department, so sirens are not uncommon.

Coworkers, friends, church family have all shared stories of bunkering down in basements and pantries at the sound of the alarms in Crystal Lake, Lake in the Hills, Dundee, and Cary. No one has destruction stories to rival ours, but we're also the only ones who never heard a siren.

I've had prophetic words spoken over/at me for years. You hang out with people who believe the New Testament and it happens. One has stuck with me more than the others for a little over two years now, and it had to do with being a siren - the air raid kind, not the nude mermaid kind. If there was one that I could say with all certainty was the word of the Lord it was that one.

And to an extent it's true of all Christians. Our job is to prepare the way. We're an army of John the Baptists. We're the voices in the wilderness that, when everything looks lost, speak truth.

Our neighborhood was the hardest hit, and we were the only ones who did not hear a siren. I was talking to Holy Spirit about the irony of it and he stopped me in my tracks:

"Be ready."

Tornado sirens are tested on the first Tuesday of every month at 10 AM. We're all used to it. We hardly flinch when they go off during staff meetings or classes. The first Tuesday of the month at 10 AM, however, is not the purpose of the siren.

The purpose of the siren is to warn people of the coming danger. Said siren could nail every first Tuesday of the month at 10 AM with stunning accuracy, and still ultimately fail, rendering itself useless, if it doesn't go off when danger is imminent.

Be ready.

In Matthew 24, Jesus is talking to His disciples. Verse three even says they came to Him privately. He wasn't talking to the church leaders. He wasn't talking to the masses. He was talking to the twelve, and in verse 42 He says, "Watch therefore, for you do not know what hour your Lord is coming."

Matthew 24:44//Therefore you also be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect.

wreckage

It was 1:30 on Thursday morning when a freight train rolled through the neighborhood:



The next morning:





There are more pictures here.

What began as a mysteriously long gust of wind soon shook the whole house and the noise it made was one of the most terrifying things I've ever heard. We got up and started looking out windows, as best we could through the rain.

I got around to the small window at the end of the living room and saw much of our big, lush, beautiful tree laying in the street. Thank God it was in the street and not on our house.

Everyone was out on the street in the light rain. Fire trucks showed up quickly because a power line was laying in the street. People were mourning gutters, windshields, fences, porches, boats, roofs, etc. Timothy and I were and are unspeakably thankful that nothing on our corner was damaged.

One neighbor said he checked the weather and "the worst is yet to come." I've never ever ever been afraid of storms before, but I was afraid that night. Every time the sky lit up I'd wake up and listen for thunder to determine if it was coming closer. It was crazy.

Just before we went back inside to try to sleep (ha!) Timothy decided to move the cars further up the driveway. He got in mine and as soon as he turned it on Misty Edwards shouted at him "as in the days of Noah so it will be in the days of the coming of the Son of Man ..." I half expected a voice to boom from the heavens, "This has been a public service announcement from the Omega."

Because as we walked up and down the block talking to people and surveying the damage and trying to shake the horrifying noise from my memory our conversation, every few minutes, would fall silent and one of us would admit, "It's only going to get worse."

"And you will hear of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not troubled; for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. And there will be famines, pestilences, and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of sorrows." Matthew 24:6-8

"For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body." Romans 8:22-23

conversation

I got to hang out with Jen for a bit after the service last night. She's headed out to CO for the summer, early Saturday morning. *tear*

Jen's one of those wonderful people who seems to just pop in and out of your life every so often to give you a little boost. A little reminder of what you're doing and probably a little reminder of why too.

We talked about how expensive Starbucks is because you really pay for the experience and the logo more than you do for the coffee. We talked about pre-ground coffee being of the devil. Like dancing.

We talked about simple things like our siblings and lofty ideals like vacations.

We talked about the expression of Christianity in the west versus the rest of the world. We talked about "to whom much is given much will be required." We talked about persecution and how deeply our own convictions really go. We talked about pain. We talked about stained glass. We talked about Constantine, but that's between her and I.

We talked about the rapture and the tribulation. We talked about 2 Thessalonians and Matthew 24. We talked about seals and trumpets and bowls and famines and cyclones and earthquakes. We talked about the next couple decades.

Then we went to my (new) house and watched The Star of Bethlehem. If you haven't seen this yet, let me know and you can come over some time. We talked about Revelation and astrology and constellations. We talked about omnipotence and eternity. We talked about Adam in the garden and came up with some really good questions for Jesus.

What the heck is firmament anyway?

How do we know the names of the constellations? Did You name them or did we? You talk about them in Job, but if You named them who did You tell their names to? Did Adam know them? Did Adam name the animals in the garden after them? Which bear came first: the animal or the constellation?

How many species were on the ark with Noah? You said two of every kind, so are there more now than there were B.C.?

How do you do that thing were Old Testament prophecy regards both the immediate future of the prophet in his time, and the end of days?

And then it was late and Jen left.

let's rebel

Sitting in my family's Luthern-ish church last week for my great-grandma's funeral was enlightening as usual. I think those of us at exciting churches should visit these kinds of churches once in a while. I'm convinced that the greatest threat to the western church isn't porn or pot, it's ourselves.

I sat as one of the co-pastors read a poem or a cute story or something and looked at the small, stained-glass windows. I like stained glass. It's pretty. I couldn't help but wonder, though, what a Chinese Christian would think of it. Or a 2nd-century Roman Christian. We're so blessed with our religious freedoms.

But what do we do with our religious freedoms? Cloister? Offend people?

Her husband shared stories about grandma (which I hope to get to tomorrow), and then the wife co-pastor got up to close the service. "Our Christian faith was made for times like these."

Yes, she did.

"Our Christian faith was made for times like these." Times like what? Death? Sorrow? This is what faith is for? Christ shed the glories of heaven, came to earth as a man, overcame every temptation, suffered the most excruciating death known to humankind, visited hell, rose from the dead, and left for heaven after charging His followers with the responsibility of loving the gospel more than their own lives ... for this? To help us get over the grief of temporarily losing a loved one? To comfort me? God gives to each a "measure of faith" so we can believe that Jesus is the risen Messiah and feel better at a funeral?

Maybe I've been listening to too much of Zahnd's Not for Sissies series lately, or maybe it has something to do with my reading Watchman Nee and Jesus Freaks and VOM at the same time, but I have to respectfully disagree that this is what our Christian faith was "made" for.

Yes there is comfort, and yes there is hope. Yes, because of my faith and the faith I know my grandma had on earth, I didn't shed a tear. Yes, my faith made the day easier to get through, but that is not what it's for.

My Christian faith is for redemption. My redemption, the redemption of my family and friends, the redemption of my neighborhood and my community, and ultimately the redemption of creation.

My Christian faith is for transformation. My transformation, the transformation of my family and friends, the transformation of my neighborhood and my community, and ultimately the transformation of creation. I died in Adam, but by faith I was crucified in Christ and I am only now become what I was meant to be.

My Christian faith is for revolution. A revolution that will love in the midst of hate, give in the midst of greed, and serve in the midst of selfishness. A revolution that will restore the supernatural and the spiritual to the gospel, and exalt the Cross over comfort.

following

(Go here.)


Unrelated:
It's been Lessons in Leadership for me this week. Most recently, in the art of following.

Because you can't have authority until you learn to submit to authority, right? The wonderful cycle of submitting to authority and using authority just never ends. I can honestly say that being in a leadership role has probably made me a much better follower.

And the lessons in following have extended to others recently. Not just any "others," either (that rolls off the tongue, huh?) - some of my dearest others. Which has had me really mulling and praying over it for days. I've come to one conclusion, so here it is, my be-a-good-follower tip of the day:

Philippians 2:14//Do all things without complaining or disputing.

That's not a heavy-handed order. I really think that's the call to discipleship and servanthood (which is what this whole thing is about anyway). If we're serving God, then we're serving the people He puts over us, and I think our relationships with those people should be marked by Philippians 2:14. Joke, suggest, emote, share, muse ... just don't complain and don't argue.

the leader

Jesus is so nice to me.

We've been kind of arguing lately. By arguing I mean I've been asking Him questions - one in particular - and He's been very quiet. I know that there's a reason, but sometimes a straight answer to a simple question would just be nice. Sometimes I'd really like to not grow through any experience or anything like that, and just get a simple answer to a simple question. Then I get frustrated and it's kind of like arguing.

I'm not going to elaborate because it would sound like a shallow plea for pity, but that's the emotion in my heart right now. Love struggling to be patient through serious frustration. That's the backdrop.

In the meantime, at work, I've been asked to condense my notes on 20 books that I've read in the past year into one-page summaries. Bullet points and a couple good quotes. "Talking points," they've been called. Can do.

It's been an interesting opportunity to review some really good material that I went through rather quickly. Transforming Church, Breakout Churches, Good to Great, The Contrarian's Guide to Leadership... Really good stuff. Most of it is about leadership and/or ministry, so naturally I'm reviewing it all through the eyes of a youth leader.

About a week into this project I am convinced I'm a terrible leader. Surveying the general condition of those things which I have been placed in leadership of, I've had a couple of really bad evenings in the past week (and sure, part of that is PMS, but not all of it). (Here again, I forbid you from tempting my ego by posting anything to the contrary in the comments. Don't make me disable the comments again.)

So I've been praying for myself lately, which alerted me to potentially part of my problem: I hardly ever pray for myself. That's not to brag - because it's really not a very good thing - it's just the way I am. I talk to Holy Spirit throughout the day, so when it's "prayer time," I just forget to pray for myself. But if I'm not praying for me on a regular basis, who is?

*crickets*

Exactly.

So I've been praying for myself lately, that God would help me in this and make me a better leader. We were talking about it on the way to work this morning and He solved it for me. "You're not the leader, Lex, I am. You're just one of the first ones in line."

(And, of course, He was talking about my specific situation. Considering the global body of Christ over the past 2000 years, I'm one of the last in line.)

And that did it for me. I'm just one of the first ones in line. I follow the people ahead of me as they follow Jesus, and the people behind me do the same. If someone ahead of me veers away from the path Jesus is laying out, then it's my responsibility to look up and stay on the right path. That's so simple. This is going to sound silly, but Jesus is brilliant.

the body

"I AM."

Sometimes I forget that's God speaking, not me.

I remember hearing or reading a story recently about a young Asian athlete. This girl messed up at - I believe - an Olympic competition. Through her tears immediately afterward, she could be heard to lament not for her own loss or pain, but for the embarrassment and the disappointment she brought to her family and her country.

It's vague, I know, but the moral I perceived stuck with me.

Americans are very individualistic people. Anyone can see why; individualism sells more stuff. When you, personally, are supposed to be the most beautiful, the most affluent, the smartest, the most desired, etc. it doesn't matter if your best friend has one you can borrow or use - you need one for yourself. Whatever it is. Individualism, ego, and pride sell stuff.

I wonder sometimes how much of that mentality has corrupted the Church in America. I think it's worse than we initially nod our heads at. I think we're so used to it that we think it's normal, and we don't always realize how self-focused we really are. I think that's why that story struck me, because that would not have been the source of my despair.

Yes, I know that God knew me before the foundations of the world. I know that He numbers the hairs on my head, and is familiar with every tear I've ever cried. I know. And it's important to know, and to teach, that God knows us personally and loves us personally.

Sometimes, though ... I wonder if we know it too much.

What about the body of Christ? What about the disciples not knowing want because each gave what he had to the Church, and the Church gave to each what he needed? What about bearing one another's burdens? I don't think that applies only to prayer.

Sometimes I wonder if we become so focused on our ministries, our callings, our anointings, and what God is doing in and through us as individuals that we don't see ourselves as part of the body. We know we are, but do we really believe it?

Do we wonder how our driving habits impact our neighbors' impressions of the Church? Do we wonder how we could serve our local church more? When we have a little extra money, do we indulge ourselves or do we ask God who to give it to?

Do we see ourselves as the body of Christ first and individuals second, or vise versa? Because isn't that servanthood? Isn't that being a "slave of all?" Putting everyone - even if it's "everyone" collectively - before self?

hell who?

You hear about the fear of hell kind of off and on in Christian circles.

I read an article months about wherein one of the pastors at a church out west was sharing how he came to "salvation." He commented that, "fear is a perfectly legitimate way to enter the kingdom of God." I remember thinking that's probably true.

Last night during the midweek sermon, Pastor was talking about that battle people go through at the point of making a decision to follow Christ. On the one hand are lots of things: your friends think you're an idiot; you have to change things about your life; your mum will think you've joined the IRA (I didn't have that problem myself). On the other hand was one thing: you could go to hell. I remember wondering what that balance would look like.

This morning I read this. I imagine the "perceived immediate benefit" is either a prosperity gospel or the avoidance of hell.

Before I said Yes to Holy Spirit's nagging, I didn't believe in hell. Christians could read scripture and "testimonies" of hell until they were blue in the face and I'd still curse God just to prove it didn't bother me. You can't really scare someone about something they don't believe in.

So I started to think about that period of a few months leading up to my rebirth. If it wasn't the fear of eternal damnation, what was it?

Aside from the obvious-to-the-Christians answers like hearing the word of God via CDs this weird guy kept bringing me, and abundant prayer being offered up on my behalf, do you know what it was?

The Passion of the Christ.

Seriously. Yes, the Mel Gibson movie. My mom and I went with said weird guy and his weird church to a screening in Crystal Lake, and I left the theater with this weighty decision on my mind (spirit). I couldn't care less about hell, but I needed to know if what I saw in that movie was true. It was suddenly so grave.

I didn't even realize what I was going through until about a week later at a show at my favorite punk house. I wasn't drinking, which sparked a conversation. This one particular guy - whom everyone very much admired - was running through every anti-woman thing he knew about Christianity and the Bible. About the time he got to "Did you know the Bible says that women aren't supposed to talk in church?" I realized my dilemma.

"That's not it, Eric. I'm not trying to decide whether or not I agree with it, it's whether or not it's true."

If it was true, then I was wrong and I could fix that. It would be painful, but not as painful as what I'd seen. If that Man really did take my place then I owed Him something.

Maybe I'm the only one who finds this interesting - or maybe you love someone who doesn't care about threats of hell. Here's my advice: Truth sets people free, not fear.

pursue Me

I sat on stage last Friday night violently aware of the lights on my face. With my head down just so the short bill on my hat would cast a shadow, but somehow I still felt the cold lights on my eyelids. Because maybe if I didn't look at them they'd just go away.

Three quarters of the way through our worship time I didn't feel God; I felt boredom. I'm tired of boredom. I'm tired of every worship song being the same, every worship set being the same, every Friday night and Sunday morning being the same. I'm ready for the next thing. I'm ready for more. Lord, what am I doing wrong that we're stuck in this place?

Pursue Me.

It wasn't a command, just a gentle suggestion whispered quietly within my spirit.

Pursue Me.

So I gave it voice. The more I spoke it, the louder it grew inside me. I don't know if I was talking to the students or just to myself, but it got louder and louder and not urgent - but desperate? At some point in my spontaneous discourse Pursue Me went from a suggestion to a plea.

Pursue Me. Not because I need you to, but because you need you to. You need to. There is nothing out there for you. The world has nothing for you. Pursue Me. I'm not easy. I am not cheap. I am not simple or quick because I am not of the world. Pursue Me. I give you rest. I am your peace. I go before you. I am your breath. I am your heartbeat. I am your romance, your fantasy, and your adventure. I AM. Pursue Me. Pursue Me. Pursue Me.

who loves you?

This is completely dangerous. Bad idea.

I'm so not a Star Wars fan, but I want one of these. I don't know what I'd do with it, but come on.

This is a strange, kind of sad story about an autistic teenager vs. his local church. I'm sure that's a difficult situation, but a restraining order may not be the most Christlike way to go about it.

And if you're looking for some outside-the-box art, here you go. Kind of weird, but really stinkin' clever.

Oh, and Facebook may take on a new ... um ... face soon. Not sure how I feel about this. You?

Finally, I need your opinion on these (the teenagers especially). This is a business-card size advertisement that I designed for something going down at Larkin that CITW was cool enough to buy us ad space for. Did I mention they're business-card size? I was thinking about getting some glossies printed. Do we like them? Would you use them to hand out?

twitter

Twitter is getting weird on me.

I downloaded an application on my computers at work and home called TwitterFox (for FireFox users). It's an AIM application for Twitter, basically. Every time someone that I'm following posts something it pops up in a small box in the lower right-hand corner of my browser for about five seconds.

On the one hand it's reminding me how personal it can be.

A couple days ago the ninja from Ask a Ninja twittered about someone he knows who came home from work and found his wife ... um ... deceased. He, of course, linked to the guy's twitter page where you could read hourly updates on the tragedy. He also posted a link to a website that was being used to collect donations for the guy and his family. I don't know this man, but I was heart-broken for him.

On the other hand, it's been flexing it's muscles.

I knew it was good when they automated the cell phone thing. (Text "follow switchstudents" to 40404 and you'll get live updates and reminders from Switch.) It's getting intense, though.

A college student used Twitter to free himself from an Egyptian prison. Seriously.

I also read some article yesterday (in passing, and I can't find it now) about Twitter's resourcefulness in the face of natural disasters. Like the CA fires last year. Major news outlets were reporting on what towns were in danger, but people needed to know which neighborhoods were at risk. Two guys in CA set up a Twitter page that was quickly picked up, whereby they posted moment-to-moment updates. I've heard similar stories coming from westerners in Burma.

I also found WeTheChurch. It's a website to log prayer requests and testimonies for the Church, but they've also set up a Twitter account. Every 15 to 20 minutes a request and/or a report from the website pop up in my window. And yes, I've prayed for a couple of 'em.

I'm just realizing how strange, and how leveling it really is. I get updates from witty stay-at-home moms, an NBC camera guy, a woman who carpools with strangers every day, the CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishing, and a bulldog (although the bulldog hasn't updated in months).

So if you're not twittering yet, get on the bandwagon. It's occasionally creepy, but if you're ever in a jam (or a middle-eastern penitentiary) you'll thank me. Let me know you're on and I'll make you one of my tweeple.

narnia

Timothy and I went to see Prince Caspian Friday night after Switch. (10:40 PM in LITH)

I'm not a C.S. Lewis purist. I only ever read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. I can't make the kind of scathing critique that others may have to offer. Suffice to say I liked it.

Well, I liked it until the end.

So far, both of the Narnia movies have left me a little depressed. After this stunning adventure we always end up back in England. It's like ending on a Monday every time. Eugh.

The rest of it I liked.

They did a good job, again, of representing Christ in Aslan. You don't see him very much in this movie, but the promise of his coming is always at hand.

At one point, the youngest, Lucy, thinks she sees him in the forest and tries to convince the others that Aslan wants them to follow him. They don't listen because they didn't see him for themselves. Toward the end, Lucy finally finds him and explains that she knew he was there, but the other's didn't believe her. To which Aslan replies, "Why would that stop you from coming to me?"

My favorite part was the end. Aslan doesn't really show up until the crucial moment. Most of the time, the main characters have to fight some pretty ugly battles on their own. One mistake leads to a really devastating end, and all the time the Narnians who weren't around 1300 years ago are doubting whether Aslan will come back to help them at all.

The three older siblings (who are doing the actual warring) and Prince Caspian don't meet Aslan until the whole thing is over. They haven't said a word to him, but at the end of the final battle, they all walk up to him and simply kneel.

I think I held my breath when it happened. And maybe I'm doing that thing where I get too wrapped up in movies, or maybe this is still working through me, but that was a wonderfully symbolic moment.

That was the moment when you've fought the good fight, when having done all, you stood. That was the moment you came through to victory at the hand of last-minute grace. It was the moment when you're not only exhausted, but emotionally wounded, when accusations start flying through your mind. "Where have You been? Didn't You see? Didn't You know? Why didn't you come sooner? So many died and you didn't come. We fought and we fought and You didn't come!"

But if your heart is right it's also the moment when you realize that despite your best efforts you would have lost in the end had He not come. It's also the moment when you remember that if He delayed, He delayed for a reason. That no matter what it looks like, He's always right. And despite the accusations, and despite your hurting heart, you kneel because He is the good King.

sponsors wanted

I'm looking for a few good sponsors.

For me.

Just in general.

Alright here's the thing: I've got stuff to do. Seriously.

I've got a zine that is just waiting to salt the underground punk rock sub-culture. The few issues I've gotten out in the past three years have really stirred up some people who really need Christ. This thing is supposed to be quarterly, but I'm struggling to get it out annually. No way to build a readership, let alone break into a really, really dark scene.

I've got student ministry ideas that just need some time to see the light of day. I want to take teenagers on month-long missions trips. I want to do before-school prayer groups. I've got student ministry ideas that I haven't even had time to just sit and think on long enough to let them mature. Like a Home Ec-style small group for the girls that will help them become amazing women of God, and prepare them to be wives in a society that hates Godly wives. What could that do?

I've got ideas for books that might yield a good return on your investment, and I've got articles that might help wake up some of Relevant Magazine's target market segment.

I'm convinced I could write music if I just had the time.

And honestly I'd like to have a little time to keep my house clean and keep a veggie garden. I'm sure I'm going to have to add motherhood to my list of things to do in the semi-near-future (no, I am not pregnant).

I just don't have time to sit in an office for nine hours a day, five days a week. There's too much to do. So I'm looking for sponsors ... just for me ... in general. I think, right now, I'm game for anything as low as $20,000/year because I'm sure some of the stuff I want to do will generate a bit of income as well. We can even work out some sort of deal if you want a percentage of that as your ROI.

So if you're interested, leave me a note in the comments and I'll get in touch. Sound good? Thanks.

updates from the homeowners

We're doing well and having a great time. Some exciting homeowner firsts:

Timothy mowed the lawn for the first time last weekend. It looks wonderful. At one point he thinks (now) that he put too much oil in the lawn mower, though, because at a certain angle it would presumably overflow onto the engine and emit really big, really thick billows of white smoke. The neighbor thought it was hilarious.

We bought a kitchen table (a real one), and a bench to go with it. After we've weathered the first round of utility bills we'll probably go back for chairs, but the table and bench are gorgeous.

And I wrote a check for our first mortgage payment yesterday. That was less exciting than the other two.

We're totally in with the neighbors too - especially the teenagers. (You're not surprised?) Skateboards and four-square and a little bit of mutual respect is all it takes. It's strange sometimes because I'm so used to our teenagers at church, and these teenagers are different (for now). Like when Brenton's mom yelled at him to come home yesterday evening and he yelled back, "I'm right there!" Timothy told him a few times to listen to his parents and go home before Brenton seemed to realize he wasn't kidding.

So no, we don't really need any help with anything, but thanks for asking. And yes, we want to have you over but right now you have to wait for either (1) those chairs I mentioned, or (2) nicer weather so we can have an open house.

innocent Bible study

We've been confiscating most of the teenagers on the first two Sunday mornings of the month for a little Bible study in the café. We were motivated to so do after watching most of them sleep, doodle, or text through most Sunday mornings. It's been going well.

We're going through a book called Live Like a Jesus Freak. Each chapter focuses on a characteristic that needs to be brought to submission. "Love like a Jesus freak," "Worship like a Jesus Freak," etc. Last Sunday was "Stand like a Jesus freak."

Timothy read through the opening of the chapter until he came to a reference to Luke 6. He read the first verse of the passage and paused. It was one of those have-I-ever-read-that-verse? moments.

Luke 6:46/"But why do you call me 'Lord, Lord,' and not do the things which I say?"

That stings a little. I haven't called Him Lord since yesterday morning. We've talked, but I'm aware of that sore spot on my face and I keep calling Him anything else I can think of. Maybe it's petty, and I know He knows I'm trying (... but how hard am I trying? My alarm went off at 6 this morning and I rolled over and ignored it), but it hit me really hard. We're called to a life of discipleship and obedience, not to a prayer and a tub of water and grace to continue in compromise.


Then we watched a clip from Luther. The chapter used Luther as an example of "standing like a Jesus Freak," so I jumped on it (as I'm doing again right now) because - as my husband and kids will tell you - I'm in love with Luther. I think I've read Here I Stand three times and the movie is remarkably accurate.

Luther speaks to and inspires me. I watched a podcast last week of an interview with Rick Warren. He was talking about people being imperfect and made the comment that your mentor's should be alive, but your models should be dead. Luther is my model.

This is the scene we watched. This documents the moment when Martin Luther stood before the emperor, various cardinals of heavy influence, and many of the princes of the territories of Germany and answered for what he'd written. Recant and be forgiven, or stand and be burned.