that's me

I'm frustrated.

I'm frustrated that I don't fast like I used to and I'm frustrated to find that it has become difficult in the meantime. I remember when it was easy. I remember when Holy Spirit could interrupt me in the middle of making breakfast and I'd just go, "Oh, okay" and not eat for days instead. So now I'm on one of those not-so-spiritual, "I hate you, flesh" fasts.

Part of me likes these fasts because ... well I don't know why. It feels like there's more at stake, maybe. Maybe it just feels like more of a battle and less of a death, so I can get excited about it. It's a battle of wills, though, (mine vs. mine) so there's no telling how long it could take.

I'm frustrated at my own disobedience. Maybe it's not even disobedience. Most of the time it's apathy, which - I suppose - is not what I'm called to, so it is disobedience. I had an experience about a week and a half ago that is probably a little too personal for the world wide web, but it brought light to a dark corner of my soul. Moral of the story is that if you break rank, you'll get picked off by a sniper pretty easily.

Obedience is better than sacrifice because God's the one with the master plan.

I'm frustrated by my rough edges. Pastor made a comment last Sunday about knowing people who are anointed, but rude - and that's not the Spirit-led life. I don't think I'm rude, usually, but there are things in there that I've been noticing more and I can't wait to get them worked out.

And I'm frustrated because I see myself becoming religious. I do a lot of the work, but struggle to maintain a relationship with the Man who died in my place and to wage war on behalf of (i.e. pray for) those I love. That's ridiculous. And that brings us back to fasting and disobedience...